April 10, 2021

   The beginning of each entry here, I will post one of my favorite photos that brings me joy. The photos will be past or current. Due to not being able to get out to photograph, many of the photos will be past ones shared. I tried going out on my own around the block in my neighborhood was so hard because the pain would come and go, unexpectedly. To ease the pain, I would have to put my right hand in a clutch and put it on my chest where it was hurting. There were a couple times on the walk that I thought I was going to pass out. I don't want to be found on the sidewalk to have fallen down trying to ease the pain with clutching onto my chest while out on my walk. I rarely take my ID with me out on these walks. I don't worry Damon. However, I could put the GPS on my phone so Damon knows where I am. That would be a good thing to do, I guess.

  This is a good time of the day (mid afternoon) to write in this blog as I am not too tired but it's close to taking my pain medication. My daily schedule has completely changed. No more doing my daily activities that included gardening. I can barely lift anything up due to the chest pains. It's sad, disappointing and frustrating not to keep up with my outdoor passion. I never got into gardening until the last few years of having lived in Shoreline before we moved here to Seattle.

  I have no idea how I picked up this new love in life. The transformation of the front and back yards in Shoreline was hard work but it was so rewarding. The same can be said here in our Seattle home. I was blessed to have a dear Shoreline friend who came all the way from Shoreline to lend me a hand on developing a plan to transform the backyard into a wildlife habitat garden.My friend was full of information and helped design a layout plan for what plants to have and where they would go. I think I went a little crazy on the plants. I ended up giving some away as I had way too many that would have crowded the space in between the plants. Poor Damon. But, I really nerd to thank Damon for giving me leeway and trust to pull together a nice backyard. I feel I have not disappointed him, my friend and even myself. I will say that this is still a learning lesson - a lifetime at that. 

  My neighbors across from us helped me design and put together my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park that I started back on April 15th, 2020. YES, that would be Tax Day! lol They were outside earlier this morning. I walked across to tell them about being diagnoses with esophageal cancer. Apparently, they already knew. My neighbor right next to me told them. It's all good. Less for me to use my voice. I am finding that I need to limit the amount of talking I do as it hurts my throat when I talk too much. DO you know how hard that is for me?!! To limit my talking. HMPH! 😉

  We got to talking about gardening. They have been impressed on the nice changes of our front yard. Nicole offered to help with any gardening. OH how my eyes lit up and my face had a HUGE smile (she couldn't see due to us all wearing a mask). I said I would love to take them up on that. Of course, I would not abuse that offer. But, I do have two plants I want to buy to put into two planters I have. AND she offered to plant some Dahlia bulbs she has in my front yard where it gets quite a bit of sun. I am super excited as I love Dahlias and photographing them! I got into Dahlias many years ago when I visited Volunteer Park on Capitol Hill here in Seattle (a 10-15 minute drive north of us). Now, I will have my own small garden of Dahlias. 

  It's the simple things that make me happy. It truly does not take to make me happy.

  I am going to have to make this entry short. Perhaps it will be better to start writing in my blog earlier so that I can write more. I will say that I am fortunate that our children, Amanda and Jack, are older. I can't imagine going through this, if our children were toddlers or teenagers! Yikes. I am so grateful for that. It is nice to have a nap whenever I want and not worry about working around schedules of young children. 

  I know that Amanda is not here to visit my house when she comes here for a month or more. But, this house needs to be cleaned! I own up that I am not a good housekeeper. In fact, I have a sibling who has OCD and would be so disgusted of the condition of our house. I would do the minimal. Oh. I hope that doesn't deter any future guests! 😉 I think I better get a housecleaner to do just the surface work or deep cleaning?

 The Little Free Pantry Judkins Park has been keeping me busy which has caused me to neglect my house work. Yep, I am blaming the Little Free Pantry Judkins Park! 😀

 Right. It's time to take my pain medication. I am being a good patient and listening to my doctor's orders to stay on top of my pain medication. So, I better sign off as you don't want to see the results of what the pain medicine and writing could produce. Not sure if it would be called 'entertainment'. 😉😉

 Thank you all to those who have checked in on me via private messages, e-mails, cards in the mail, voice messages and etc. You are all helping a difficult situation less painful with bringing joy. 

 THANK YOU. I love you all! 💗

Liennie 💜

 April 9th, 2021

The way I am approaching the esophageal cancer is the same way I did with getting sober. It is definitely one day at a time. It is another lifestyle that I will have to adjust to on a daily basis. Although I am to rest up as much as possible to get ready for chemo and radiation depending on the results of the PET scan, I find myself busy on the computer when I can keep my eyes and mind open. Constantly googling medical terms I don't understand or going online to find things to put into my bedroom haven. 

Damon is giving my bedroom (sanctuary) a makeover so that it's not a boring place to be as I will be hanging out there a lot more than I desire. And the other sanctuary is my wildlife habitat garden in the backyard of our house. When you have a vision to keep your mental and emotional state in harmony, you will be surprised how everything will fall into place. 

I had no idea what I was going to put into my wildlife habitat garden in our backyard.  But, I read up on these wonderful gardens and followed through on three things that the wildlife habitat sanctuary requires: native plants, water and food that all need to be strategically in place to make it not only beautiful but make it safe for the birds from predators.

With my bedroom, there are three things to make it into my safe haven: ambience with soft lighting, beautiful photos of nature (along with peaceful quotes) 7 family and things that bring tranquility to the heart, mind and soul. Everything else will simply follow to the beat of my drum! All negativity leaves this house. There is no place for negativity as I begin to heal and recover from this cancer.

When one is home alone quite often, it gives one to think of what one can do within reason to make this a home of peace, tranquility and full of love. It is my desire to make this a loving and peaceful home.

There are some earlier entries on this blog where I was truly still angry. Boy, what did it take to finally let it go?? My friend, Mary Jo and I love singing that 'Frozen' song "Let It Go" to much of our families' chagrin - LOL! I am so glad that I have moved forward in a positive direction. Where I was going with all that negative baggage nobody knows.

Today was my first visit with the nutritionist, Laura, at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance at Northwest Hospital. Truth be told, I didn't want to be there. Not because I DIDN'T WANT to but I was so tired from not having much sleep and I had taken my pain medication at 6:30am which just made me drowsy. I probably looked like I was hungover as I could bare keep my eyes open. The appointment was informative and the fun bantering made it easier to try to stay alert. 

Laura could not stress enough to get increase the calories and my weight to help with coping  with the chemo and radiation. She mentioned as did Dr. Marzbani that if I couldn't gain more weight, the feeding tube would be the last resort. I truly don't want that. SO, I will be drinking a lot of smoothies, more chocolate Ensure and other supplemental drinks to get that weight UP THERE. She gave us a list of smoothie recipes. I don't think I have ever made a smoothie. However, I have had smoothies though!

I told Laura that I have been able to eat Vietnamese spring rolls (finely chopped up) and cheese...oh AND of course Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies (not sure how that is possible)! Ice cream is not my favorite dessert but I have been able to eat some - 3-4 bites at a time. I was never a big eater before being diagnosed with esophageal cancer, to be honest. I am going to do whatever is asked of me to help myself through this tough time and come out of it much stronger.

I LOVE learning. New words, yep - medical terms are one of the things I love googling or ask the doctor/nurse/nutritionist. I do that when I am reading a book at night (and not falling asleep, yet). When I come across a word that I have never heard of, I google it right away. What has happened to the Webster Dictionary?

Another thing I want to do through this cancer challenge is to keep things SIMPLE. I am enjoying getting rid of a lot of clutter - oh except Damon gets to stay! 😉 The thing is I just want to a lot less clutter and more meaningful things around our house.

I am debating if I want a TV in my room or not. What a dilemma! lol However, I absolutely love watching CNN and other news stations. AND I love 'Law & Order: SUV'. However, I really don't like to watch much TV, to be honest. So, maybe going out to the living room to watch TV and have a break from my bedroom might be for the best.

My goal is to get back into photography. I have been missing it so much. I do get my fill of the beauty of our gorgeous Seattle and of nature through the Facebook group page that I belong to called ''KOMO NEWS Legion of Zoom'. Check it out, IF you are on Facebook and love Seattle AND nature! You have to ask to join. It will be so worth it. There are some pretty FANTASTIC and AMAZING Pacific Northwest photographers whose photos will blow you away!

Here is one of my favorite photos!

I was able to take walks around my neighborhood up until two weeks ago. When the pains in my chest and back were getting worse, I didn't want to be alone should anything happen that would require me to go to the ER. Damon is very busy with real estate...which is a GREAT thing! I take solace being in my wildlife habitat garden and looking around in my front yard. The sounds of those birds chirping away and chasing each other around bring me such joy. The birds are even checking out the water fountains I have out for them...finally.

I am falling asleep again. This seems to be the new norm for me. Sigh.

I will end with how excited we are to have Amanda and her boyfriend coming out next week to help Damon take care of me. I am a low maintenance kind of gal. At least, I would like to think that I am! We will be able to finally hug!!!! Damon and Amanda both have their 2 vaccine doses. Kevin (Amanda's boyfriend), Jack and his girlfriend and I have had our first shots. The second week Amanda will be here, we should all have had our second shots!

What a blessing and wonderful silver lining this is. I am just so thrilled to have family around. Please pray for me that I am not difficult and to refrain from being THAT patient! 😉

All right folks, please go make it a wonderful weekend! And thank you for being beautiful friends and family...inside and out. 

Love you all to the moon and back!

Liennie 💜

April 7th, 2021

Today was my first appointment with the oncologist, Dr. Marzbani. He asked that Damon and I call him 'Eddy'. It was an informative, communicative and relaxing appointment. We went over quite a bit. Before I continue, it was weird to be in the same place where I once worked back in 2008...called Puget Sound Cancer Centers at Northwest Hospital. I never thought I would someday be a patient there. NEVER.

I am not sure what it is, but I truly have a sense of calm that I have cancer...esophageal cancer, that is. It has been shared with me that I should write and tell how I really feel - anger, frustration and etc. To be honest, I don't want to make the time to share them because I am not that kind of person anymore. Anger and drama just doesn't have a place in my heart and mind. I want and need to be strong for myself AND for my family & friends. You all mean too much to me.  

This is MY journey and challenge. So, please, let me share what I want and not share what you want to hear.  

In the meanwhile, I will get straight to the news of the esophageal cancer in my system. It is unclear if the cancer is at Stage 2/3 or if it has gone to Stage 4 because there is nothing stopping it right now. A PET scan has been ordered as a priority to determine where the cancer is. 

A PET (positron emission tomography) is an imaging test that allows your doctor to check for diseases in your body. It uses a special dye that contains radioactive tracers. These tracers are either swallowed, inhaled or injected into a vein in your arm depending on what part of the body is being examined. (Source: http://www.healthline.com/health/pet-scan)

If the PET scan results come back with the esophageal cancer at Stage 2/3, chemotherapy and radiation will begin IMMEDIATELY. They will be on the same day but different times with chemo first and then radiation - Monday through Friday for 7 weeks. I will have my head shaved completely before chemo starts so that my hair can be donated to a cancer charity that needs wigs. If the PET scan comes back with Stage 4, there is really not much can be done according to Dr. Marzbani. Crossing fingers the cancer is at Stage 2/3.

The walls of the esophagus are thick that the whole that allows me to swallow is so small that it prevents me from being able to eat and causing such a large weight loss of 20 lbs in the last 3 months now. Fortunately, my weight is so far staying at 106 lbs for the last 5 days. IF I lose anymore, I will have to go on a feeding tube. We want to avoid this. Dr. Marzbani wants me to get 2,000 calories a day. Crossing my fingers that I can SOON get that 2,000 calories in my system.

Amanda sent me a bunch of goodies to help me with adding calories to my daily intake, especially ingredients to make smoothies.

I will edit with more accurate information, if this is not all correct. There was so much to absorb. So thankful Dr. Marzbani was patient with us in explaining things to us and repeating A LOT. Damon and I are hard of hearing. 

It helps to have a sense of humor which is my self defense mechanism in dealing with stress. Dr. Marzbani is a down to earth doctor. He actually took the time to answer any questions we had, including Amanda who was able to join us via FaceTime.

The bottom line today was that this visit with Dr. Marzbani was hopeful and positive. 

This challenge is definitely a ONE day at time deal. And I am so glad you are on this journey with me.

I got a new robe, Pjs and slippers to get ready for my recuperating after each chemo/radiation session! AND I have a cool wedge pillow. I just received a beautiful prayer quilt from a friend who sent it from some women in her church group. Thank you all for helping me to rise above this challenge with your prayers, private messages, cards and gifts (you really shouldn't!) and cheering me up in your own special ways.

I can't help think about the sadness and concern you are all feeling. I wish I could magically take those feelings away from each of you. I love you all so much. Let's think positive and move forward. 

I so appreciate and love you all! 💜

I will close with the good news that I received my first dose of the vaccination!

Liennie 💜

April 5th, 2021 (Monday) 

I have decided to write in my blog in the afternoons when I am more alert and can write without falling asleep.

I. am. scared. 

It's weird that I am more scared for my family than what is in store for me in the coming months. My personality is being strong and positive. It's not that I am ignoring the feelings of fear, uncertainty and a future that will limit me from doing normal and daily things. For instance, I find doing dishes and folding laundry daunting. They have been my two favorite things to do at home. I had looked forward to painting throughout our house this Spring. Life happens. Right?

The wildlife habitat garden in my backyard is nearly complete. Looking forward to going to Sky Nursery in Shoreline to fill two large planters with new plants - particularly for the bees, butterflies, Hummingbirds and all other birds! Due to the salmonella of the Pine Siskin, Seattle Audubon Society asked us bird lovers to put away our bird feeders, bird fountains and bird baths (wash with soap/water and then bleach them for sanitations purpose) from January to April. I was counting the minutes to get out my bird baths, bird fountains and bird feeders on April 1st! It was like the feeling of Christmas - such happy joy joy! Can't wait to share photos of my sanctuary when I get finished. I already love it so far! Just love sitting back there listening to the birds chirp away, the birds chasing each other around, watching the one American Robin mama getting her nest all ready for the eggs, listening the sounds of the water fountains and of course the airplanes flying into Seattle. 

My neighbor showed me where an American Robin nest was located. It can only be seen from a certain view. Not easy to really see as I am short. The mama has it way up above a pipe underneath the roof in between our properties. I saw the her staring at me. I won't be going over there to keep an eye on it as she is  definitely protecting her nest. I learned my lesson when I discovered a American Robin nest in my neighbor's laurel bush in Shoreline. A crow watched me and got to the American Robin eggs. Gawd, I felt so bad when I looked the next day to see that they were gone. Sad sigh.

Last night was a rough night of pain galore. The sharp pains are in my esophagus and my back (right shoulder blade and lower back). With the esophagus area, the pains are similar to having heartburns but three times worse, in my opinion. If this is the start of the journey, I am in for a very difficult time ahead. I saw that with a friend of mine I helped to care for during her time with breast cancer. I stayed with her family for 2-3 weeks at a time to help with dishes, laundry, meals, getting the girls off to school and etc...and of course being there for my friend. She always wanted to do things and we had to get on her case to stop that nonsense as she was instructed by her doctor to REST. Uhhh...now I know how she felt about feeling good - having spurts of energy - and wanting to get things done around the house. NOW I have to be the one to rest. This resting is for the birds! 😉

I detest complaining as many of you know. I will continue to try not to do that even during the difficult times. Growing up in a family of ten siblings, you almost have to be stoic!

One thing I will miss doing is my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park. I posted on my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park Facebook page that I will not be able to do stock the pantry daily for awhile. Little Free Pantry Judkins Park has been my baby. The pantry is about to celebrate its one year anniversary on April 15th! I remember like it was yesterday when I started it. There have been some challenges but overall, it has been a wonderful journey.It sure is different from when I had the Secret Shoreline Facebook page. I did the page daily with the holiday baskets I did for families in need. That was the only time it was physically a lot of work receiving the gift donations and putting the baskets together at Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, the pantry requires stocking twice a day - 8am to 9am and 4pm to 5pm (depending what I was doing during the day) seven days a week. NO break. No complaints. It has been a humbling experience and honor to do provide this pantry for the community.

Right...back to my journey.

The Ensure beverage and I have become very good friends. lol At first, I wasn't too keen on it. But, it is growing on me - taste wise. I am up to TWO bottles of Ensure a day as of yesterday! 😀 I have been researching some food suggestions for those with esophageal cancer. Cheese, other dairy products and smoothies were among the few highly recommended. So, I am able to eat very thin slices of my favorite cheese, Tillamook Smoked Alderwood Medium Cheddar cheese. I am finding that it takes ages to eat anything and definitely in even smaller portions than what I was eating before this. It has been recommended to eat what you want as long as you are getting the calories (1500-1800 a day). I am up to maybe 500 calories. Amanda sent me some smoothies today to get those calories increased! I better start getting that number up by Wednesday when I meet the oncologist and nutritionist for the first time. I am looking forward to find out what's going on and where we are headed. The unknown is unsettling. Crossing fingers that it is not all bad news.

I really do worry about my family, my siblings and friends on how the esophageal cancer in my system is affecting you all. I wish I could take away your worries, concerns and heartbreaks. When I see my husband, Damon, crying...it just breaks my heart. I need to stay strong for my sanity. And I want to stay strong for you all, too. You all mean so much to me...more than words can express here. But, sometimes I find tears falling down on my cheeks.

The Titus Warriors (my husband, Amanda and Jack) have my back! I know they will keep me in line as well! Oh how I love them so much!! 💜💜💜💜 And how much I love YOU ALL! 💜💜💜💜

Everyone's love and commitment to making this journey comforting for me will help me get through the dark times. Yes, I know there will be and I hope I will not be a b*tch whenever it happens.

Something to look forward to is having my room painted and made into a quiet and tranquil sanctuary as I am going to need a place to retreat to after whatever treatment plan I will be scheduled to receive. Not sure on the paint color - either a sage green or perhaps a periwinkle color. Or who knows? Nature photos will be hung on one wall. On the other wall, it will be filled with photos of my favorite Seattle of mine and some of my fellow photographers from the KOMO News Legion of Zoom Facebook group where I am a member. There are a lot of awesome Pacific Northwest photographers on that page. IF you are a photographer, amateur or professional, or just want to see the beautiful photos in and around Seattle, please consider joining! You won't be disappointed!

I have signed up with an esophageal cancer Facebook support group. It's been somewhat helpful. But, to be honest, it is hard to read all the ups and downs through their journeys as I begin mine. So, for now, I am not a participant but a bystander absorbing information and the tears and upsets on there. And it is great to see some positive words of support for one another, especially for those who have survived longer than the 5 years that is given for this cancer. They even gave me wonderful and kind words of support when I thanked the group for adding me.

There is so much to absorb here on my new journey. I am simply going to take my life's journey as always...one day at a time.

Okay, I am signing off to rest some more.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Love to you all. 💜

Liennie

April 4th, 2021 (Sunday - Easter)

Happy Easter to those who celebrate!

The pain has increased both in my chest and upper right shoulder blade/lower back.So, I am not able to write much. 

I spoke with the nurse a few days ago at the clinic I go to for my medical visits. I told her that I was in a lot of pain. She said she would tell my doctor of my current status and to prescribe pain medicine. There was already a scheduled late afternoon phone visit with my doctor for Friday, April 2nd. So, we could discuss it then.

I absolutely love my doctor and the clinic which I have been going to nearly 20 years! We both look forward to our chats. However, this one was a little awkward for my doctor. She has really enjoyed our visits over the past year and a half. There have been three doctors I have been assigned as one would leave and another would take over. Luckily, I have gotten along well with them all.

The first thing that my doctor said was "I am so sorry". It saddens me to hear those words because she and everyone I talk with about my situation with the esophageal cancer that is what I hear at the beginning of any conversation. I truly am at peace. And I am ready to fight this! The doctor knew back in May/June 2020 that my chest pains were starting be more noticeable and felt than in the past. This time it felt different. They were no longer once in awhile. Rather, they were starting to be more frequent. We monitored it along with having had some chest x-rays. Nothing was detected.

A little over a month ago, I could barely eat anything. My weight started to decline. It went down from 126lbs to 106lbs. Therefore, I went to the ER as the chest pains were really becoming unbearable. All the tests they did came back normal. It was decided that I should get scheduled to see an endoscopy specialist who strongly suggested an endoscopy procedure. It was then that the two biopsies would be performed during the procedure.

I am falling asleep as I write this entry. Therefore, I will say goodnight for now. I hope to write more tomorrow. So much to share with you all.

I have my first appointment with the oncologist at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance on Wednesday, April 7th, 2021. Thank you for your patience with my entries and writing as I am trying to write as much as possible to keep you all updated on my journey. 

The hydrocodone pill is starting to take affect right now.

Good night.

- Lien 

Lien's 2021 Journey with Stage II Esophageal Cancer

 April 2nd, 2021

It's been awhile since I have last written here. Actually, since my mama's passing in August 2015 to be honest. So much has happened since then. But, I will write more on what is currently happening right now because this is important for me to chronicle my daily thoughts and feelings through this new chapter in my life's journey.

On Thursday, March 29th, 2021, I was diagnosed (not officially until the test results finally confirmed it) with Stage II esophageal cancer. 

An endoscopy procedure was performed on me on March 29th to get a better idea of the cause of my chest pains that I have been experiencing since May/June 2020. I have been losing quite a bit of weight in the last 2.5 months - down from 126 lbs to 106 lbs. And the coughing is increasing. When the sedative wore off, I could hear the word 'cancer'. My heart was racing but knew that this maybe the cause of my chest pains, coughing and severe weight loss. I could hear my husband, Damon and the doctor who performed the endoscopy procedure. I simply wasn't able to comprehend what they were saying as I was groggy from the sedative.

We finally got home from Harborview Medical Center around 7pm. I was hungry and had not had anything to eat since 8pm the night before. All I can eat as of late is the soft and chewy granola bar from Costco, ice cream and the yucky Ensure (chocolate preferred). I still couldn't eat as I was still out of it and just went to sleep. Damon wanted me to sleep on the couch in the living room so that I wouldn't fall of my bed which is high off the floor. Good thinking, dear! 

The next day, the situation that I have been dealt with finally registered as I was getting the letters and photos of my esophagus in My Chart online accounts that confirmed it. Not sure why but despite the shock and reality, I wasn't angry nor completely sad. The sadness did hit later as I cannot stop thinking of my family as this will affect them greatly - my friends and siblings as well. So, instead of asking "Why me, God?" I decided that we need to get to it! Let's fight this, Liennie!

However, my next thought was "How am I going to keep the Little Free Pantry Judkins Park going while I am going through this challenging journey?" Fortunately, I posted about my medical situation on the Little Free Pantry Judkins community Facebook page. The response to help with the keeping the pantry going has been great!

Things work out. Just gotta keep the faith. 😀

I will tell you that I am SO GRATEFUL for my sobriety because I would not even be here to share this journey with you all.

AND...life is still beautiful. 🙏

CT scan was done yesterday, April 1st. I almost wanted to do an April Fools' joke on the technicians as we got along so well and cracking each other up. I chose not to do so as it just wasn't appropriate at that time. Sigh..will hopefully get into next year's April Fools' Day!

I was hesitant to share this on my Facebook personal page because I have not been wanting to share personal stuff or be dramatic which is a far cry from my drinking days. It was a good decision to share it. The enormous love, caring and compassionate words of support has been so uplifting. I cannot thank all my family and friends enough for being here for me. This means the world to me.

Amanda has been a GODSEND! She is helping me navigate all my appointments and communications with the doctors' office and nurse/administration to lessen the stress for me. Thank you so much, Amanda You are wonderful and my sweet daughter. Jack has been checking in on me daily which makes me feel so loved!

We just got off the phone with the nurse coordinator at the University of Washington Medical Office at Northwest Hospital which is affiliated with Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. I KNOW I am in good hands. My appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday with the oncologist but hoping for a cancellation to get in sooner. AND I am now qualified for the Covid vaccination! Sweetness!

My transformed backyard into a wildlife habitat garden is coming along with plants starting to get buds which will soon blossom into fragrant flowers to attract butterflies, bees and (my favorite) Hummingbirds! 

And I just received a free Woodpecker bird house! My front yard is coming along, too! I truly think that SOMEONE in my neighborhood planted Tulip bulbs on the side of my house as they are starting to bloom. I saw these leaves coming up last month and couldn't figure what plants they were. I googled the leaves and they are Tulips! I am sooo not complaining. I am elated! A yellow one has started to blossom. Oh how beautiful it is. There are four other Tulips waiting to burst open to bring me bigger smiles! 

And the Trilliums I brought from our Shoreline home of 23 years are blooming, too!

I am going to sign off for now as my back is hurting and want to pace the writing...and not bore ya! ;) It feels good to get back into writing!

Wishing you all a beautiful Friday (Good Friday) and a lovely Easter weekend.

- Liennie

Empowerment from within...

This entry is dedicated to my sweet, loving and wonderful mama, Betty Tisdale.  Mama passed away, peacefully, last Wednesday on August 19th, 2015 surrounded by 6 of her 10 children and 2 of her 13 grandchildren.

My mama spoke from her heart in all of her speeches she gave around the world which she instilled in me through this blog.  She never had a script or notes to read when she gave her speeches. So, here I am on her PC doing just that - not giving a speech but sharing...from my heart.

I am writing about how she touched me not just through her work but how she shared feelings and thoughts that were outside of her HALO - Helping and Loving Orphans non-profit organization.  And I really want to share how she helped me along with all my friends and family to continue to stay sober...and even tonight as I write this.  

The photo of my mama above has been one of my favorites because this was the one that always greeted me when I came down here to her office to do the entry work for all the donation checks that came in the mail for HALO.  Even when she went out for her twice weekly breakfast outings or other appointments and she wasn't here, I would go ahead and do the HALO work that was waiting for me to do.  The sparkle in my mama's eyes and that gorgeous smile always made me smile whether I was in a bad mood or added to my smile even more when I arrived each time here in her downstairs office.  Does her photo find you smiling, too?  I thought SO!  :)


Since my mama's stroke on April 15th, 2013, I vowed to help care for her more than ever.  I am the first to own up that I was overbearing and at times stubborn on how I wanted to care for her.  In the last 6 months, I had to accept that she did not want me to treat her like she was an invalid and to let her keep her independence as best she could physically and mentally.  I stressed to her that I was only being this way because I wanted to make up for loss time that I was so into my alcohol addiction and had chosen to stay away often.

She hated each time I showed up at her front door after I had had a previous full day and evening of drinking in my early addiction days.  Then as time passed, I began to drink in the mornings - not your typical of 'hair of the dog'...it was more that I HAD to have it or I would have the shakes big time.  And I wreaked of wine every time I saw her.

Little by little, I began to come over less and less because I did NOT want to hear her nagging and telling me about her huge disappointment in me.  I, then, dreaded having to talk with her on the phone on any given day because I desperately kept trying to hide the fact that I was drinking in the morning or whenever she called even though I knew she knew.  All she had to say was "You've been drinking.  I will talk to you when you're sober...IF."

Those days will be with me for the rest of my life and a reminder how bad off I was.  And this is WHY I wanted to always be there for her over the last two years...nothing more, nothing less.

Over time, Mama began to realize that she was not able to do the things she once could before the stroke.  One of them was driving.  Slowly, she allowed me to drive her to the bank, the grocery store and etc.  Once she let me do that, our relationship became stronger because she trusted me and found me to be accountable.  When I was drinking THAT would never have happened.  It felt good to be there for her...for a change.

We started to confide in one another more and more each time we were together. Many heart to heart talks were becoming daily.  Oh how I will always cherish them.  We were both honest and speaking from our hearts to one another.  This is what made our relationship even stronger and special.  My favorite times were before and after her favorite (now mine...dang it, Mama!) soap opera 'Days of Our Lives'.  We would either be upstairs talking in the kitchen at her butcher block table or in her comfortable den where we watched the soap opera.  Last year, I confided her about a toxic and unhealthy relationship that I was in and was surprised to find that I was not going to get a lecture rather I got a hug and some comforting words of empathy as she helped me work through it.

It was the first time in my adult life that I was not being judged by my mother.  And from there on, we bonded more and more.  She shared things that I never thought she would ever share.  It comforts me now that whenever I think of my mama, she really was my best friend and always will be in my heart.  I talk to her as if she is still here with me...especially, when I sit down and watch 'Days of Our Lives' in her den.  Everyday since her passing when I watch the soap here, I still have a good chuckle because she started to lose interest each time we watched together .  She, constantly, said that there were "too many story lines" and would want to talk.   We just simply enjoyed each other's company...one on one.  That is another comforting thing we had with each other...just being in the same room, quietly and not feel like we had to talk all the time.

I found myself, surprisingly, not angry that my mama has left.  Rather, my heart is happy that she is in a better place.  And towards the end, she confided in me (and others in my family) that she was ready to go.  She said over and over to me that she was at peace with being ready to go and knows that she had a very fulfilled life and wanted to leave with dignity.

It was unfortunate that we had a falling out 5 days before she had this stroke.  It was a serious one that I did not want to have anything to do with her...ever and vice versa.  In the past, we always made up whenever we had an argument.  Not this time.  I was being very stubborn and so angry at her as was she.  But as I look back on it...I didn't take into account in my decision to cut off all ties with her that she was getting worse in her aging.  It hurt then and still does because I wasted such negative energy being angry that I lost those 5 days with her.  However, we made up when I came to her house to pick her up with my daughter, Amanda.  It was Amanda's 22nd birthday.  This will be ONE day I will never forget, either.  The genuine apologies and forgiveness were in abundance.  And...oh the hug from her was so wonderful and so heartfelt.  Mama gave great hugs.

Two weeks ago, I found myself in a situation at the hospital where my mama was where I was really angry about something that was petty (it wasn't then) and I REALLY REALLY wanted to drink.  I removed myself from the waiting room and took a walk.  I walked past several bars by the hospital.  Oh how I longed for that first drink.  But, I kept walking...and walking (my bad foot was not happy about that) until I took a long and deep breath.  I realized that I had better get myself to an AA meeting.  I went back to the hospital and retrieved my belongings.  I then drove myself to one of my favorite AA meetings that I used to attend.  As I was sitting in the meeting, I was still fuming but slowly started to listen....really listen.

I heard what I truly needed to hear in that meeting.  I realized that I was allowing my anger and resentment towards the situation I was in earlier to get to me.  My addiction was rearing its ugly head again trying to get me to find a reason to justify having that first drink.  That was my AHA moment.

What a relief to know that I could have control over my addiction...once again.  I wrote a letter to the person I was angry and resentful towards and owning up to my behavior.  I apologized, profusely, for lashing out at that person.  I stated that I knew that my addiction was trying to get me to take that first drink by allowing my anger and resentment to be the reason to want to act on my desire to drink again.  How empowered I felt that I did not give in to the desire to pick up that drink and to apologize to the recipient of my anger and resentment.

Letting go of anger and resentment allows for a more loving and peaceful life.  Taking that first drink is not the answer.  Take stock of the good in your life and that will truly outweigh the ruination and  havoc that drinking will have in your life should you choose to go back to that horrible state where you once were.

What I take from my relationship with my mama is that she showed me how to be strong no matter how hard life can get.  I had not seen myself as being strong.  However, when she told me how proud she was of me on how I have been able to get sober and stay sober, I finally took that to heart and decided to write about it here.

I thank my mama for showing me the way of staying strong and to be true to myself.  And I thank all my friends and family who continue to support me in my sobriety...from the bottom of my heart.-

Thank you for being my best friend, Mama...through and through.  And thank you for believing in me.

May you continue to rest in peace, Mama.  See you on the other side when the time comes for me to join you.  I miss you but know that you are here with me in spirit and in my heart always.

I love you,  Mama!  xoxo