As I sit here at my desk on the computer, I hear and watch the rain quietly falling against my window. The photo of my office space off from the kitchen up above looking out was taken when it was snowing.
This is my time for reflecting...of how much stronger and more determined I am NOW to getting back my life. I had something that has forever affected my life 18 months ago. What it was is not important to share here BUT the dire consequences and impact it had on my life is immeasurable to my inner growth and spirit to live rather than die.
My health deteriorated into near death, my mental state was questionable and my judgment was clouded. I couldn't function. At that time, I did NOT want to function. I really didn't want to live. I asked myself alot of questions and beginning with this one...WHY? Why do I want to live?? Who cares? I just screw up left and right. No one should care about me as they all have their own problems to take notice.
I didn't eat. Well, I did eat but very minimal amounts. In fact, I remember from my childhood, I detested eating. It wasn't because I wanted to be skinny. I simply did NOT want to eat. Even to this day, IF I didn't have to eat I wouldn't. Yes, THAT is the truth. I eat to appease those who love me even now. I still don't like to eat.
It's strange to hear this from a person who relishes in cooking and baking. Strange, right? Yes, IT IS. I cannot pinpoint when this came about in my life. I just dislike food. There. I have said it and am sharing this.
So, when I was going through what I went previous to these past 18 months, eating food was a HUGE struggle. It got to the point where I weighed 80 pounds standing at 4'10 1/". Yes, this was alarming to others around me and especially to myself. I was all bones...disgustingly skeletal...very scary to even look at without a doubt.
I gave up on myself. I lost self-respect. I lost hope. I felt I had nothing at this point in my life. I felt very sorry for myself. I this. I that. I (me)...that's all I was thinking about then.
When my health deteriorated to the point that death was just around the corner, I came to a realization that I was being VERY being selfish.
On October 6th, 2009, I lay in bed with just a cup of water by my bedside wondering WHAT the hell was I thinking. WHO the hell was I to be doing this to my family - wonderful Amanda and Jack, my husband, Damon, my mother, my siblings - AND my dear friends?? I couldn't get out of bed for my weightless body could barely move.
I am NOT a religious person at all....and goodness knows I am surprised that I still am not now. But, that is another entry for a later time. Anyway, I laid there in bed and DID say to my Higher Power..."IF YOU will give me a sign that directs me to the will to live, show it to me, please?".
In all honesty, there was NO sign. If there was and is, I suspect that having memories flash before me would have been one NOT the sign. I decided RIGHT there and then to live.
I WANTED TO LIVE.
I asked Damon, my mother, family and friends for help in a way I never asked before. THIS time it was genuine. I really wanted to get better...health wise and mental wise.
As I was getting better, my attitude became more positive NOT completely but it was getting there. Growing up is never easy...we are constantly growing until the day we die. At least that is how I see it and feel it now.
In the past I hid behind humor that really wasn't funny. It was MORE like sarcasm than it was humor. IT was not appreciated nor welcomed...and rightly so. Sarcasm, lack of respect of my friends feelings and thoughts, lack of judgment calls and etc...lost me valuable friendships. I have since continued to constantly learn to do the opposite.
In fact, my recent bout of pneumonia last month (February) which had me on bed rest gave me this time to truly reflect on my life. Being selfish was the foremost on my mind. I was NOT being genuine. If it took to being sick to come to this realization about myself then I am glad I was sick for those first 3 weeks in February with the pneumonia.
For the last 9 months I worked at our local Shoreline (Washington - USA) Costco as a demo sampler.
It was a great job for the interim of my personal time off from my job with the Shoreline School District as a substitute paraeducator working with the special needs children. This experience gave me an insight of what it takes to work with the general public. I worked at Nordstrom a long time ago and though...wow(!) that was hard BUT this brought my confidence level with the public to a whole new level.
The stresses of what people are going through nowawdays is enough to marvel how most of us are able to survive. I was amazed to see the dynamics of the members and us, the demo samplers. Again, that will be another fun entry at a later time.
My hat is off to those who endure the ups and downs with the general public. I have never had to SMILE so much in my life and you all KNOW how I love to smile. Smiling here...truly! I wish my former co-workers and boss all the best and thank them tremendously for the wonderful experience I had when I was working at Costco there. I will cherish every moment I had there NOT a one goes without my thanks.
It was hard to decide to move on to a newer path in my life. I LOVED my job, my boss, my co-workers and of course, the Costco members (the lovely ones AND the not so lovely ones). BUT, it was time for me to focus on what I want to achieve the rest of my life...and being at this was no longer a part of this change. I will forever grateful for the opportunity I had.
I want to give back to the community what I have been given...a LIFE. And want to help those who need or want to be shown that life is worth living. IF I can survive a life threatening situation and come out of it a BETTER person, so can you. Just believe in yourself...YOU HAVE TO in order to survive.
Having been adopted by my parents here in the United States in March 1970, I have truly been blessed with all that has been given to me that I, otherwise, would NOT have had I been left at the orphanage, An Lac, in Saigon, Vietnam.
As I leave you here until I write again, this is the basis of my book I am writing...giving thanks for the life I have been given as I see "people walking, people talking". I nearly lost my life because of my dire situation I was living and am ALIVE to share what I experienced and how I am overcoming the consequences and impact of the direct selfishness and lack of respect for others in my life. AND, I want share more than what I have shared here...this is a continuation of my life as it is in the present. AND with the wonderful moral, caring and loving support team that I have now...I can do this sharing with you.
I am here NOW. I am LIVING. I love LIFE. I love you ALL.
I have a saying that I have chosen to use for my signing off here each time I leave you.
Have a terrific day...most of the day if you can...everyday! :)
