* This letter was given to all patients and myself at my first stay at an in-patient rehab here in Seattle, Washington in 2005.
Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul.
FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Alcoholism (alcohol dependence) and alcohol abuse are two different forms of problem drinking.
* Alcoholism is when you have signs of physical addiction to alcohol and continues to drink, despite problems with physical health, mental health, and social, family, or job responsibilities. Alcohol may control your life and relationships.
* Alcohol abuse is when your drinking leads to problems, but not physical addiction.
In light of all the events surrounding the death of Amy Winehouse and countless others who have died from addiction, I felt compelled to share my story of what my addiction to alcohol is to me.
Hi. My name is Lien, I'm an alcoholic.
I am writing this to share my story of alcoholism and an insight of a true alcoholic. This may not be for you to read (either in denial or boredom of hearing this).
For those whom I can touch and help with their addiction or for those who would like to have a better picture and understanding as they may have loved ones afflicted with this disease, I will continue to write this for you and a reminder for myself of where I was and never want to return.
My serious drinking began after I had my daughter in 1993. We lived in a one bedroom apartment on Queen Anne. I was frustrated as a housewife. Thus, the blaming began. I was unhappy with everyone and everything.
The drinking would start at 4pm when Rosie O'Donnell's show, "Rosie", came on in the afternoon. I, gleefully, opened that wonderful bottle of Chardonnay. This was my downtime after I had a long day with my daughter... a joy! But she was a high maintenance child (that is how I felt at the time). I needed to relax and REALLY unwind.
I deserved it and rewarded myself in doing so.
This was to go on for numerous years. We then moved to Greenlake in 1995. Living next door to my neighbor, my landlord, only increased my drinking. We would drink together as soon as she got home from work at 5pm. I had already finished a few glasses by then. By the end of the evening, I was 'officially' drunk.
This went on for years after. I gave birth to my son in 1996. The drinking continued full throttle shortly after he was born. Having 2 children in my life now gave me more ammunition to drink to oblivion.
During those years after my son was born, I started drinking earlier...2pm. General Hospital, a soap opera, was a good enough reason to drink earlier. I had done the laundry, cleaned the dishes and etc.
I deserved the wine and rewarded myself in doing so.
Food Network became the next excuse for drinking. I wanted to be 'sophisticated' and be like one of those cooks drinking wine while cooking. Yep, I looked and felt 'sophisticated'....alone.
I deserved the wine and rewarded myself in doing so.
I made lovely dinners...here and there. Then making the dinners became less and less AND the drinking was more and more. Too many days of neglecting of my children were becoming too common. My husband by then was frustrated and saddened as he had NO idea of what could he do to help me. I was in serious denial and kept drinking. He kept buying as that was all he could do to keep peace with me.
What was the attraction to the bottle and the glass of Chardonnay? I had no idea at the time. All I know at that time was I just loved having that buzz and not have a care in the world. I didn't care about being a mother (deep down then) nor being a wife, daughter and etc.
We moved to Shoreline in 1997 the exact month and year that the late Princess Diana died. AHHH! Another reason to drink...MORE! I was a loyal fan of the late Princess Diana and blamed Prince Charles. At the time, I wasn't thinking that there are 2 sides to every situation. I just blamed and blamed without realizing IT was ME not everyone and everything that happened in my life.
Slowly since then, I started losing friends and family. I still drank and didn't give a damn because I knew that the bottle of Chardonnay was still my best friend...over my husband even.
I tried therapy many times to deal with deep-rooted issues as my husband, friends and family felt I needed to address. I had the hardest time each time it came to my rapes. When it reached to that point with each therapist...I ran to the first bar to 'drown' my sorrows, shame and anger...anger that I could not get past the rapes. Rapes that SHOULD NOT have happened but they did. Not my choice...especially since it happened when I was 8 years old to 12 years old.
These rapes were the biggest part of my blaming for my drinking.
I totally suppressed my anger, hurt, confusion on what happened to me...by drinking the memories away. Numbing is what it's called. Since I was able to suppress these feelings, thoughts and memories, I kept drinking and drinking.It got to the point that I was drinking 24/7. THIS is not something I had ever done before.
It was the 'sneaking' around that enticed me to drink 24/7. I thought, "WOW. I can drink whenever I want...and wherever". I drank at home all morning into the evening. I drank the MINUTE I woke up in the morning to have that "hair of the dog".
I hid my glasses of wine all over the house from my husband and children. I say glasses because I would lose one and have to fill another glass. I then went from the wine glasses to liqueur glass and finally to tea mugs. I thought it was wrong of me to drink in the morning but didn't care. So, I put the wine in the tea mugs thinking I was clever. Come to find out, I was rather stupid and ridiculous to think otherwise. Sigh.
Then there were my 2 individual inpatient stays (28 days each)/rehabilitation centers and 6 detox hospital visits. The last detox I was nearly pronounced dead. IT was THAT bad. Putting those visits behind me....I continued to drink...finally into a downward spiral that nearly lost me everything and everyone.
I was driving my children around half drunk often. I can remember one distinct occasion. We were heading up to Stanwood to visit a friend...oh my, this is very hard to share. I couldn't find my glasses to drive...and I desperately was looking for my contacts. No luck. It was pouring down BIG time..typical Seattle weather.
I drove erratically and emotionally distraught as I had an argument with my husband before I left. I KNEW I was NOT in any condition to drive nor should I have had the children in the car with me. This was not the first time I drank and then got behind the wheel with my children in the car with me. I am forever ashamed and will live with these times with endangering my children...for the rest of my life. My children were old enough to know that what I did was wrong and very scary for them.
There are so many events that occurred that there would be volumes of books to cover them all. I don't want to bore you but know these events live with me and remind me of that part of my life which I would like to keep as part of my terrible past of neglect with my children, husband and other loved ones in my life.
My life was completely unmanageable. This next event was close to hitting rock bottom for me. I got a DUI in July 2009. I tried giving up drinking for 3 weeks prior to the DUI. I was out with friends celebrating a promotion someone received. I thought...I deserved it, I went 3 weeks without a drink. I can do it. I rewarded myself in doing so. Well, what do ya know...got pulled over after having shots of Peppermint Schnapps and a glass or two (?) of Chardonnay. I continued to drink even after the DUI.
You may want to skip this but this is important to share.
I went to the doctor's after my husband saw blood in my stool found in the toilet. This had been going on for MONTHS. I didn't tell anyone NOT even my husband ..heaven forbid! I couldn't because I was too embarrassed and thought it would stop. IT didn't. When I saw my doctor...it was then I received the very DEVASTATING medical news.
My doctor showed me my liver test results. GULP. She informed me that IF I don't STOP drinking that I would DIE within the next month or 2 (if I was lucky).
I finally reached rock bottom. There was NO turning back...time.
THAT DID IT. October 6th, 2009 is my sobriety date.
I FINALLY surrendered. I was, still am AND always will be 'powerless' over alcohol.
Hi. My name is Lien, I am an alcoholic.
I have been in the AA program for the last 15+ years. It has been a true blessing for me. I resisted as countless other reluctant others in denial over the years. BUT now, I embrace the program. I have learned that I truly am 'powerless over alcohol'. And, I am constantly learning from fellow sober members with lots of sobriety time to new members with hours or days that it is TRULY...
ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE HOUR AT A TIME. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.
On a happy note, I am successfully sober going into my 3rd year of sobriety. I am proud of this as the most I have ever had previous was 61 days and of those...28 days were spent in my first inpatient rehab.
I stopped the blaming (I had alot but did NOT want to bore you with ALL of them); have taken accountability; allowed to be open-minded; learn to accept advice; work the AA program; to start loving myself and to accept that I am still a good person but with a terrible, progressive and fatal disease called "alcoholism".
IF I had not had the strong support of my husband, my children, my mother, my brothers, my wonderful doctors, and my former therapist (whom I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude for my personal growth , my outpatient therapy (court ordered but well received) AND countless CLOSE friends that I could count on....I would NOT be alive.
Thank you all for being here for me and loving me, unconditionally.
I pray for those who have passed on from their addiction; for those who are struggling and/or in denial...that you find some peace somehow by reaching out.
YOU COUNT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE LOVED.
I will conclude with two songs that I listen to as much as possible to remind myself I am human and still have a reason to live...
"Believe and Open Your Heart"
...and to to remind myself that LIFE will get better... and it will always be...
ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE HOUR AT A TIME. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.
"One More Day" - Rio Diamond
I am now a recovering alcoholic with the gift given to me to live, to love and to have happiness through sobriety.
I love you all and thank you for letting me share.
Writing from my heart about my challenges and successes of my journey through life helps me to overcome daily issues and to embrace life with truthfulness and an open mind.
