Happy New Year for 2013 !
2012 came and went before my very eyes! And, now we are already close to the end of the month of January 2013! Amazing how time just flies.
What makes this moment wonderful is that I chose to stay sober yet for another holiday season...my fourth one! AND it feels damn great!
In feeling better about myself and getting a grip on my alcoholism, this year I want to dedicate more time to writing here in my personal blog and get back to writing my book on my alcoholism. I have procrastinated writing again due to my depression the last few months (continuing from my drinking years). AND it has only gotten worse this past week.
I was once referred as to the character, 'Pig-Pen" from the Charlie Brown cartoon series ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig-Pen) who has a cloud of dirt and dust that continually to follow him...even after getting cleaned up.
AND that is exactly how I feel to this very day...I cannot seem to get rid of my cloud, except mine is dark. It seems that everything that could go wrong...has and this cloud continually follows me, too. Although I wrote at the beginning of this entry how great I felt, well...it was true. The key word is 'was'. I feel like I cannot breathe from this dark cloud I still have around me.
As a result, I have wanted to drink over this. Yes. I said it. I wanted to drink.
But, I won't. AND I can't. IF I were to pick up a drink now...it would not be just the one...there would be many to follow and once again, I would be that much closer to death than the last time I drank. Alcoholics cannot have just one drink. The addiction is cruel that way. It wants more than just the one. Therefore, I cannot drink. And...thank goodness!
I, recently, told a very close friend that so many things have been happening in my life and that I was depressed. Very depressed. What I didn't tell this friend was that I truly wanted to sleep and not wake up. Ever. Yes, that is how badly I felt...so desperately wanting out.
BUT, I know that is not the answer.
This is why I am writing here in my blog. This is my safe haven and a place where I can let out all my feelings and feel better after I am done writing.
A quote/message that I have been seeing online is that "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."which has been resonating in my head and heart.
(Photo courtesy http://weheartit.com/entry/38647481?group=B&imgres=)
As I wrote to my friend of my depression, I didn't share what the 'problems' were. But, I had in my mind all the people and circumstances of who I wanted to blame for my depression. Right there and then, I knew I had to tell myself, "WHOAH, Lien! You are not going to even go down that path...again!"
I now realize that the blaming is a trigger for me to have a 'reason' to drink. I do not want to go down that path. I have too much to offer to waste my life away for selfish reasons of drinking.
What I needed to remind myself is that I do not need to please everyone to get ahead in life. AND I do not need to sit on my pity pot. I am tired of reliving the 'woes me' pathetic thinking. It is a great disservice to friends and family around me...and to myself. I have to believe that THERE is a reason for my being. I want to give more in life instead of complaining about what I don't have...which is what I have been finding myself doing again...over and over. This is like doing the 'two steps forward and one step back" routine that I need to stop.
One thing that stays with me is...that one does not have to have money to give back. It is through the heart, love and time that one can give of themselves. Donations of monetary are always graciously welcomed. But, it is truly having the compassion from the heart to give to another person who is less fortunate than yourself of your time. And I am going to continue doing this as writing here has given me the inspiration to do so.
A wonderful positive thing that has happened in my life recently is that I have gone back to work part-time with my husband at our real estate office, Madison Partners Real Estate, in downtown Seattle. It has been almost 2 weeks but it has been a wonderful productive partnership. Getting back into the workforce has given me a new sense of responsibility and accountability that I lost at the end of my drinking days.
That strength I now have feels good as I know that is what was lacking in my existence in this world. Not knowing where I belonged was the hardest part of overcoming my desire to drink. I kept drinking because I really did not feel I belonged anywhere and thought I could drink that painful thought away.
Blaming is not healthy at all. It only hurts you more than it does anyone else. Yes, others hurt, too. Hearing blame from a person who drinks daily and worse 24/7 stings the heart of the person receiving those unkind words. I know. I was that person not too long ago...3 years and 2 months ago to be exact. As I look back on that and recently blaming once again recently, I KNOW that is not the path I want to visit again nor does the person receiving the blame deserves it....truly they do not.
I have started writing daily affirmations to get my day started on a positive note. The day may not always go as planned. But, I have learned to adjust and not get upset as I have in the past. Life goes on...it is up to you to react in a mature and graceful way as it benefits the heart and mind.
Don't get me wrong...I am not always going to be this way because it is human nature to be upset and sad. But, again...I am choosing to take it all in stride and try my utmost to be positive and to lighten my heart by not getting so upset that I lose focus on my health and mind.
Life is too short as we continue to see on a daily basis...via news, social media and etc.
This entry has lighten my heart, lessen my anger and rid of the blaming. Therefore, I am thankful for this kind of thinking and writing that gives me another day of sobriety, hope and continued acceptance of life whatever it decides to send my way.
Always remember that you are important and that it is ultimately up to you to decide what you want out of life...not what you want or expect people and events to give to you. Life does not work that way. I learned that the hard way.
Remember to smile, love and to be kind to one another (the latter is courtesy of Ellen DeGeneres)... :-)
