Being honest with myself and staying strong...

(Photo from my personal photo gallery)

October 6th, 2013...I celebrated 4 years of sobriety and continue!

Being honest and staying strong have been daily struggles for me.  And so, my being honest with myself, I have had to accept over and over that I have a problem with alcohol.  I detest saying that I am an 'alcoholic' as it has such a negative stigma, at least that is how I feel. So from here on out, I will say that I have a problem with drinking and leave it at that.  I will only say that I am an alcoholic when I am in certain places where it is expected to say that...only there and nowhere else will I say that.

This past weekend, I attended a family wedding.  It was fabulous to see family from out of state!  But, that was the hardest thing to have to experience since getting sober...except for my mother's stroke. The entire weekend, there was alcohol all over - at my mother's, at the rehearsal dinner and at the wedding.  Mind you, that IS to be expected. Nonetheless, I was suffering inside. 

Friday night was a dinner gathering at my mother's.  I could not believe how much alcohol there was...both bought and consumed.  It did not get out of control nor was there any family drama.  But, I will be honest that I was effing jealous that I could not join in on the 'social drinking'. 

And my addiction personality was trying to take control of my mind saying, "Lien, you have come this far.  What's one drink?  Hey, get a glass of wine and take it back to Mom's den.  No one will notice as hardly anyone is back there.  And if someone comes back there, just hide it like old times." 

THAT thinking was what was playing in my head...the whole weekend.  I could have easily done that as there were so many folks around and yet, hiding places were so available.  Oh, it was a scene that I always detest to be in whenever I am in an environment where alcohol is that readily available.  FREE drinks.  Whoah!

Saturday night was not too bad. It was the rehearsal dinner at Marination in West Seattle.    I watched family and other rehearsal dinner attendees thoroughly enjoying themselves.  I did want to join in the fun festivities and the lively chats that got louder as the drinks were consumed.  There were a few times that I did want to go up and get a drink but knew that all eyes would have been in me and WERE on me. 

Sunday night was the wedding...what a beautiful and moving wedding it WAS!  Now, there was definitely a good amount of alcohol flowing through there.  The champagne glasses were filled with the bubbly champagne which was all too inviting...very inviting.  AND when someone sat next to me with their glass of Chardonnay wine...OH BOY, I was drooling.  All kinds of alcohol - whiskey drinks, red & white wines, champagne and etc. - were being served. 

Many times, I had to excuse myself from a circle of folks chatting while holding their glass of alcohol beverage to get some fresh air.  It was that bad for me.  Tears welled up as all I could think about was "WHY ME?!".  Then later I changed that thinking to "It's LIFE and that is just part of my life...it is me that is the one with the problem of drinking not the others who can and will drink in front of me."  I did not choose to be the one with a drinking problem.  I just have to continue to accept this and live my life as best I can.

SO, HOW THE HELL did I make it through that weekend with all those temptations?!?!!

I just DID.  I had to be honest with myself throughout the weekend that I DO HAVE a problem with drinking.  And I do not want to go back to the horrible life I was living, the lies I told and getting sicker over time.  In fact, I can still taste that last sip of wine I had when I said I was DONE.  Oh...what a horrible day that was but a wonderful and blessed one it was at the same time.

What gets me through the tough times of temptation are three things that constantly remind me not to drink:

1.  The DUI I got in July 2009.

2.  The devastating and dire liver test results I received in October 2009.

3.  My relationships with my children, husband, family and friends.

HOW I stay strong and sober may not be ideal for others who have been sober for quite sometime or for those who are struggling right now.  For those who know me, I will be honest that AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) was not for me.  I do go back periodically to the meetings that helped me in my early sobriety.  It is through humility and gratefulness that draws me back to the AA meetings from time to time.  I would not be where I am without my humble beginning in the AA rooms.

Everyone has their way of dealing with staying sober and staying strong.  There is no right or wrong.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin and not worry what others think about you or have to say to you.

That was another thing that caused me to relapse over and over before I finally said "Enough is enough!".  I was constantly worried about what people thought of me. Case in point is my time on Facebook.  Yes, I am bringing this up again and hopefully for the last time.

I am constantly ridiculed for being on Facebook all the time.  It HURTS when people are constantly bringing THIS up.  When my brother brought up my time on Facebook over the weekend at one of the family gatherings, I got mad and very defensive.  Usually, I whimper and just let folks have their say and hope it doesn't get brought up again...at least for awhile.  Well, when my brother mentioned my Facebook time, I blurted out (with confidence) "Don't EVEN begin to judge me on the Facebook issue.  YOU have NO idea what my story is...so back off!"  He was both taken aback and proud that I stood up for myself.  You have no idea how I was shaking after being firm with him.  I have never been this strong and dang it...it felt GREAT!

It is amazing how time has really given me more strength in my beliefs and confidence to know that I am a good and decent human being...with a disease called alcoholism.  Knowing that I can finally stand firm on not being belittled for what I do to keep sober, I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin.  It has taken a long time to come to this realization but having people who truly believe in me through and through is what gets me through these alcohol temptations I continue to experience from time to time like this past weekend.

Thank you, Patrick (my older brother), for showing me that I do not have to take what others say to me or about me to heart anymore.  I am who I am.  And for those who are struggling...there is hope.  You are given a choice to live or die from this disease, too.  Just make sure to surround yourself with positive family and/or friends who believe in you!  YOU are strong enough...just believe in yourself!

Yes there will be days that I am not so confident,  But, the days that I am strong makes up for those days I am not.

IT is indeed ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Thank you all for being here.  My sobriety means the world to me and so do each of you.  And, I say that from my heart to your heart. 

This song, "Strong Enough" helps me to get through some tough times...I am strong enough!








"Strong Enough"

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

'Cos I'm strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You don't wanna hear about it

I've been losing sleep
You've been going cheap
She ain't worth half of me it's true
I'm telling you

Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true

I'm telling you
That I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And you walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go