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| (Photo: LTT - Queen Anne Hill...Seattle, Washington) This is one of my favorite photos I took recently that fills my heart of memories of my mother and my daughter when they used to take walks together hand in hand when Amanda (now 21 years old) was a toddler. |
“When was the last time you woke up and wished you'd had just one more drink the night before?
I have never regretted not drinking. Say this to yourself, and you'll get through anything.”
- Meredith Bell, Seven Days Sober: A Guide to Discovering What You Really Think About Your Drinking
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All I can clearly remember of my first holiday season of getting sober...it was VERY HARD.
Every year, my husband and I always looked forward to Thanksgiving. We loved getting the annual Beaujolais Nouveau (http://www.beaujolaisnouveauday.com)...a seasonal red wine. Red wine was not my drug of choice..Chardonnay was. Oh my...was Chardonnay ever my drug of choice! However, I will never forget going into the grocery stores shortly after getting sober and seeing the endless stock of that beautiful Beaujolais Nouveau staring back at me... beckoning me to WANT to buy a bottle. Oh god, I so wanted to get that particular bottle of wine more than the Chardonnay at that particular time because it was a Thanksgiving ritual. It was OUR ritual.
When I got sober on October 6, 2009...I had NO idea how the hell I was going to get through the entire holiday season AND why the hell that date with it being so close to the holidays! Well...with the DUI (driving under the influence) case lingering over me, my dire liver test results and my family relationships getting worse one by one, I had two choices here. Either, I ignore my liver test results that indicated that I had merely months to live if I were to continue the 24/7 drinking path that I was on before October 6, 2009 or I get my sh*t together and live a healthier and productive life so that I can rebuild any relationships with family and friends who would still have me in their lives.
Thankfully, I chose the latter...to get my sh*t together.
It is through friends who share that they are either struggling with coming to terms with accepting that they have a problem with their drinking or friends who are struggling with a family member or friend who are raging alcoholics in strong denial of their drinking problems that make me grateful that I do not drink anymore. I listen, intently, to those friends who share with honesty but then quickly make excuses or find reasons for their drinking themselves or for their family member or friend. And as I listen, I so remember my days of drinking, especially towards the end of my drinking.
The days of early drinking, the in-between sobriety and the dire last days of drinking will forever stay imprinted in my mind and heart. I was so selfish back then, especially towards the end of my drinking. I would find ways to get that drink no matter what it took. And the last year of my drinking, it wasn't so much of 'enjoying' the drink but it got to the point that I needed to have that 'fix' or I would get the shakes so bad. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for my husband, Damon, my two children, my mother, my family and friends watching me nearly killing myself through my drinking. So, to my friends who are greatly affected by their loved one by their drinking...I so feel for you and you have my heart supporting you through and through.
I hated waking up in the morning. That was when I knew that if I didn't have my wine, I would get the shakes. Oh god, the shakes were the worst. I will never forget the first time that I realized that my drinking was getting really bad. I was with my daughter when she was 6 or 7 (my brain is having a freeze right now) when we attended my brother's wedding. One night, I remembered that I drank myself to a severe state of drunkenness. And the next morning, I had the shakes so bad and was desperate to get some wine so that the shakes would stop.
I knew I was in trouble.
Chuck E Cheese Restaurant was across the street from the hotel where we staying. I could barely walk over there with my daughter in tow. When I got there, I ordered some food and a glass of Chardonnay. Back then, I was barely eating because alcohol was my staple food. And I was down to 88 lbs at one point. I had to order food not only for Amanda but had to make it 'look' like I was eating. However, in reality, I just HAD to have that glass of Chardonnay!
But what really hit me hard were three things. One, I could not carry the tray of the food and my wine because I had the shakes so bad. Two, the cashier KNEW I was having severe alcohol withdrawals and not only offered me a straw, she held the wine glass and the straw so that I could drink my wine. It took a few swigs of the wine to get me 'balanced' and to get those damned shakes to stop. AND thirdly, looking into the pained and sad look on Amanda's face...those big brown eyes looking at me pathetically and with her embarrassment of me. That was something that will always haunt me...even to this day.
I will never forget that day. I knew I was doomed.
BUT, did that stop me? Hell no. I kept going...and going.
Going back to rehab was NOT in the cards for me. Yes, some of the lyrics from the Amy Winehouse's song, "Rehab" comes to mind...
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said, 'No, no, no.'
Yes, I've been black but when I come back you'll know, know, know
I ain't got the time and if my daddy thinks I'm fine
He's tried to make me go to rehab but I won't go, go, go
(Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/amywinehouse/rehab.html )
I, sincerely, thought I did a good job of 'hiding' my bottles, mugs of wine and 'sneaking' off to find my thermos of wine to just have that 'fix'. That was not the case. My husband found many of my bottles all over the place. And when I would sneak out thinking no one would notice, they did, indeed know what I was doing. These were selfish things I was doing while nearly killing my health at the same time. I was in a 'fog' in serious denial.
When I, finally, got sober...my head started to clear up somewhat.The numerous places I hid my bottles of Chardonnay began to surface. I remember after I was able to get back on my feet in my early sobriety that I started looking in and out of my house to find not ALL the bottles but A LOT of them were located. Let's start with the bedroom, my closets held many empty bottles that I hid. Three empty Paul Thomas bottles...in socks, a large duffel bag and behind my clothes hanging on the rack. Then there were the ones hidden under the kitchen sink cabinet. There were SO many hidden outside...under the deck, the firewood pile in the carport...and the list goes on here.
Finding these empty bottles was a humbling experience and a huge step in accepting that I was indeed in for a new and cleaner lifestyle...a healthier one, clean and sober.
What I am sharing here is that these experiences are what keeps me sober and in tact, especially during the holidays. Remembering where I was and finally coming to terms that I was sick and tired of being 'sick'...these help me to stay sober. And for that, I am forever grateful for being sober.
Each year during this time of the holidays, it gets easier. For those getting sober or thinking about getting sober, it truly is one day at a time. The hardest thing, at least for me, at the beginning is truly accepting that you have a problem with the drink and then moving past that. I cannot stress enough to you that is imperative to have a strong support group who love you, unconditionally and will be there for you the best they can, ie. AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), church or simply family and friends in your inner circle whom you trust.
When you find yourself having a hard time with the holidays, reach out to someone you can trust to share your fears and insecurities. Often times, it really helps to have someone or more who have been in your place with the early sobriety that you are now experiencing. And it helps to stay busy (at least it is for me) so that you aren't thinking about that drink.
I stay busy with helping to care for my 92 year old mother (nearly) daily; photography for me is so therapeutic and I have a wonderful Facebook community page, Secret Shoreline, where I promote everything that benefits our Shoreline (Washington) community and at the same time giving back to my community.
My Secret Shoreline Facebook community helps me with two causes that are near and dear to my heart. The Back-to-School Backpacks (late August) is for the families in Shoreline who cannot afford school supplies for the start of the new school year AND my favorite is my Secret Shoreline Thanksgiving Dinner Baskets which gives deserving families the same opportunity for those of us who can..to celebrate Thanksgiving as well. I am so proud of this page and am so grateful that it has helped me to stay sober.
Here is the link to the photo album of our 3rd Annual Secret Shoreline Thanksgiving Dinner Baskets:
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10152876469998523.1073741852.336141008522&type=3
If you relapse or are not ready to stop drinking just yet, do not beat yourself up. And do not allow anyone or any event to make you feel bad, make you feel guilty or shame you. Only you know when you are truly 'sick and tired of being sick'. You are not a bad person for not being able to stop drinking at this time. There will be a sign of some sort that will reveal itself to you to tell you that it's time to stop drinking. Let's pray that it is not too late.
Please remember that this is YOUR journey. You get to decide who and what helps you to get sober and stay sober. Do not ever let anyone judge you or persuade you differently. Just listen and always have an open mind. You are so very important to those who want to see you succeed. Surround yourself with positivity. Embrace change with an open heart.
May the upcoming holiday season bring you joy, love and light and to allow this time for you to find some inner peace throughout your journey of sobriety.
I believe in you and so does the Angel who is looking over you.
With much love and straight from my heart -
Lien
