Empowerment from within...

This entry is dedicated to my sweet, loving and wonderful mama, Betty Tisdale.  Mama passed away, peacefully, last Wednesday on August 19th, 2015 surrounded by 6 of her 10 children and 2 of her 13 grandchildren.

My mama spoke from her heart in all of her speeches she gave around the world which she instilled in me through this blog.  She never had a script or notes to read when she gave her speeches. So, here I am on her PC doing just that - not giving a speech but sharing...from my heart.

I am writing about how she touched me not just through her work but how she shared feelings and thoughts that were outside of her HALO - Helping and Loving Orphans non-profit organization.  And I really want to share how she helped me along with all my friends and family to continue to stay sober...and even tonight as I write this.  

The photo of my mama above has been one of my favorites because this was the one that always greeted me when I came down here to her office to do the entry work for all the donation checks that came in the mail for HALO.  Even when she went out for her twice weekly breakfast outings or other appointments and she wasn't here, I would go ahead and do the HALO work that was waiting for me to do.  The sparkle in my mama's eyes and that gorgeous smile always made me smile whether I was in a bad mood or added to my smile even more when I arrived each time here in her downstairs office.  Does her photo find you smiling, too?  I thought SO!  :)


Since my mama's stroke on April 15th, 2013, I vowed to help care for her more than ever.  I am the first to own up that I was overbearing and at times stubborn on how I wanted to care for her.  In the last 6 months, I had to accept that she did not want me to treat her like she was an invalid and to let her keep her independence as best she could physically and mentally.  I stressed to her that I was only being this way because I wanted to make up for loss time that I was so into my alcohol addiction and had chosen to stay away often.

She hated each time I showed up at her front door after I had had a previous full day and evening of drinking in my early addiction days.  Then as time passed, I began to drink in the mornings - not your typical of 'hair of the dog'...it was more that I HAD to have it or I would have the shakes big time.  And I wreaked of wine every time I saw her.

Little by little, I began to come over less and less because I did NOT want to hear her nagging and telling me about her huge disappointment in me.  I, then, dreaded having to talk with her on the phone on any given day because I desperately kept trying to hide the fact that I was drinking in the morning or whenever she called even though I knew she knew.  All she had to say was "You've been drinking.  I will talk to you when you're sober...IF."

Those days will be with me for the rest of my life and a reminder how bad off I was.  And this is WHY I wanted to always be there for her over the last two years...nothing more, nothing less.

Over time, Mama began to realize that she was not able to do the things she once could before the stroke.  One of them was driving.  Slowly, she allowed me to drive her to the bank, the grocery store and etc.  Once she let me do that, our relationship became stronger because she trusted me and found me to be accountable.  When I was drinking THAT would never have happened.  It felt good to be there for her...for a change.

We started to confide in one another more and more each time we were together. Many heart to heart talks were becoming daily.  Oh how I will always cherish them.  We were both honest and speaking from our hearts to one another.  This is what made our relationship even stronger and special.  My favorite times were before and after her favorite (now mine...dang it, Mama!) soap opera 'Days of Our Lives'.  We would either be upstairs talking in the kitchen at her butcher block table or in her comfortable den where we watched the soap opera.  Last year, I confided her about a toxic and unhealthy relationship that I was in and was surprised to find that I was not going to get a lecture rather I got a hug and some comforting words of empathy as she helped me work through it.

It was the first time in my adult life that I was not being judged by my mother.  And from there on, we bonded more and more.  She shared things that I never thought she would ever share.  It comforts me now that whenever I think of my mama, she really was my best friend and always will be in my heart.  I talk to her as if she is still here with me...especially, when I sit down and watch 'Days of Our Lives' in her den.  Everyday since her passing when I watch the soap here, I still have a good chuckle because she started to lose interest each time we watched together .  She, constantly, said that there were "too many story lines" and would want to talk.   We just simply enjoyed each other's company...one on one.  That is another comforting thing we had with each other...just being in the same room, quietly and not feel like we had to talk all the time.

I found myself, surprisingly, not angry that my mama has left.  Rather, my heart is happy that she is in a better place.  And towards the end, she confided in me (and others in my family) that she was ready to go.  She said over and over to me that she was at peace with being ready to go and knows that she had a very fulfilled life and wanted to leave with dignity.

It was unfortunate that we had a falling out 5 days before she had this stroke.  It was a serious one that I did not want to have anything to do with her...ever and vice versa.  In the past, we always made up whenever we had an argument.  Not this time.  I was being very stubborn and so angry at her as was she.  But as I look back on it...I didn't take into account in my decision to cut off all ties with her that she was getting worse in her aging.  It hurt then and still does because I wasted such negative energy being angry that I lost those 5 days with her.  However, we made up when I came to her house to pick her up with my daughter, Amanda.  It was Amanda's 22nd birthday.  This will be ONE day I will never forget, either.  The genuine apologies and forgiveness were in abundance.  And...oh the hug from her was so wonderful and so heartfelt.  Mama gave great hugs.

Two weeks ago, I found myself in a situation at the hospital where my mama was where I was really angry about something that was petty (it wasn't then) and I REALLY REALLY wanted to drink.  I removed myself from the waiting room and took a walk.  I walked past several bars by the hospital.  Oh how I longed for that first drink.  But, I kept walking...and walking (my bad foot was not happy about that) until I took a long and deep breath.  I realized that I had better get myself to an AA meeting.  I went back to the hospital and retrieved my belongings.  I then drove myself to one of my favorite AA meetings that I used to attend.  As I was sitting in the meeting, I was still fuming but slowly started to listen....really listen.

I heard what I truly needed to hear in that meeting.  I realized that I was allowing my anger and resentment towards the situation I was in earlier to get to me.  My addiction was rearing its ugly head again trying to get me to find a reason to justify having that first drink.  That was my AHA moment.

What a relief to know that I could have control over my addiction...once again.  I wrote a letter to the person I was angry and resentful towards and owning up to my behavior.  I apologized, profusely, for lashing out at that person.  I stated that I knew that my addiction was trying to get me to take that first drink by allowing my anger and resentment to be the reason to want to act on my desire to drink again.  How empowered I felt that I did not give in to the desire to pick up that drink and to apologize to the recipient of my anger and resentment.

Letting go of anger and resentment allows for a more loving and peaceful life.  Taking that first drink is not the answer.  Take stock of the good in your life and that will truly outweigh the ruination and  havoc that drinking will have in your life should you choose to go back to that horrible state where you once were.

What I take from my relationship with my mama is that she showed me how to be strong no matter how hard life can get.  I had not seen myself as being strong.  However, when she told me how proud she was of me on how I have been able to get sober and stay sober, I finally took that to heart and decided to write about it here.

I thank my mama for showing me the way of staying strong and to be true to myself.  And I thank all my friends and family who continue to support me in my sobriety...from the bottom of my heart.-

Thank you for being my best friend, Mama...through and through.  And thank you for believing in me.

May you continue to rest in peace, Mama.  See you on the other side when the time comes for me to join you.  I miss you but know that you are here with me in spirit and in my heart always.

I love you,  Mama!  xoxo

Embracing positive changes as I continue my journey in sobriety...

(Photo: LTT - taken at Greenlake in Seattle, Washington)

"We never know how much time we have on earth here, therefore, we mustn't  take life for granted."

I, often, hear this and am often reminded that life is indeed too short which is why I need to embrace the changes in my life in a positive manner.  It is not easy at times but I know that when I am in a negative place in my thoughts and feelings, it leads to unhealthy attitude and reaction which causes emotional distress, mostly on my part.

The changes I am sharing here are big steps that I didn't think would happen but knew in time, they would.  Timing has definitely been the key as it has given me this opportunity to continue to build a stronger faith and courage in myself.

The first change to share is that I am making strides to return to the work force at my own pace, in a realistic way.  Today, I started a part-time temporary position at a local Shoreline temp agency assisting the office manager while the owners of the business are on vacation for 10 days.  It was  exhilarating yet nerve racking and very rewarding at the same time.  Having a small break from caring for my 92 year old mother and knowing that I am able to help contribute, financially...albeit a minor amount... is so rewarding!  While I was at work, I was feeling really good about myself which had me smile a lot today.

Another one of the wonderful changes is my deferred DUI prosecution which has been, recently, dismissed after 5 years of being on active and inactive probation.  This was a HUGE weight lifted.  I have NO idea how I got through the first 2 years when I had to actively go and see my probation officer on a monthly basis to 'check in' with her and in addition, attend outpatient therapy at a local treatment center here in Shoreline.  Basically, with the active probation, it was to show in good faith that I was a good girl and keeping my nose clean.  And then the last 3 years, it was up to me to not get into any legal wrongdoing...no speeding ticket, no moving driving violation, no drug related trouble anything that would lead to my arrest or having to appear back in court.

So, when I received from my probation officer the following e-mail, my heart was so happy and relieved that I can now, officially, begin the next phase in my life.  A new chapter is beginning.  How wonderful is that?! 

Hi Lien, I am sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you.  I have been crazy busy at work.  First off, I am so incredibly proud of you! You have been such a great example of a woman in recovery with your blog and giving back and helping others. I have so much respect and admiration for you.

As for your deferred prosecution getting dismissed you do not need to anything. The dismissal will be done administratively and should be done on the 8^th or shortly after. They are pretty on top of getting those done on a timely manner. I can check on it and let you know.

You take care and I will let you know when it is completed.  Have fun on your temp job!

It must be my Catholic upbringing of the famous 'guilt trip' that made me feel self conscious about how I conducted my life, accordingly...throughout my probation period.  I did everything by the book when it came to my deferred DUI prosecution probation...and always made sure I did everything right.  AND I am soooo glad and proud that I did so.  Because it paid off to be a GOOD girl and do what I was told throughout the 5 year probation period. 

I. am. Finished.  Humbled.  And. have. Succeeded.

With these two changes, they have truly impacted me in a positive way.  The reality of being sober 5 plus years and accepting that I do and always will have a problem with alcohol has given me peace to learn to live with this permanent life change, positively.  It has been deep rooted in me since the days of attending outpatient therapy to find some way to help others in the same predicament where I was once a newbie in getting sober in my earlier days as well.  I had the opportunity not long ago to speak to at the treatment center during a class there.  Not sure if I came across a little too harsh in sharing my story of  what alcoholism did to not only my family but to myself - physically, emotionally and realistically.  I, also, shared how to deal with not entertaining the idea of that 'first drink.  That is the hardest part of early sobriety.  No way around it.

It is imperative to accept that everyone has their own beliefs, knowledge of themselves and it is up to them to find their own support group to get them through the tough times of early sobriety and throughout the entire journey of staying sober.  And I applaud each and every recovering alcoholic who is able to finally come to grips with the reality that drinking is no longer a part of their life nor can it ever.

The DUI that I was pulled over for back in 2009, gave me the chance to realistically reassess my life choices.  Knowing that driving under the influence was NOT a good choice, I do feel that it was a silver lining for me to change my life...once and for all when it came to my drinking.  IT was a hard lesson to learn but one that helped me to grow; embrace a healthier life and to be more at peace with myself.

As we grow from our lessons, we must, also, accept that everyone has a story and we must never judge another person's journey.  It is not our place to do so.  In early recovery, addicts have a strong tendency to blame themselves and beat themselves over it.  So, no one needs to make someone new in recovery or someone who may have fallen off the wagon to make them feel worse than they already do.  It's not conducive...not at all.

This is where I go back to saying that we really don't know how much time we have here on this earth.  SO, please do this for yourself.  Make healthier and safer choices.  Don't judge.  Accept each other in a positive and loving way, unconditionally. 

I cannot share enough on how fortunate I am to have such a wonderful and loving support group which makes a HUGE difference in my successful sobriety.  Please remember to live life...one day at a time and live it to the fullest.  I wish those who are new to the recovery path and for those who have fallen off the sobriety path...all the best from the bottom of my heart.

I share with you a beautiful poem of what matters!

(Photo:  LTT)

What Will Matter

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else.
Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought but what you built, not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage, or sacrifice that enriched,
empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.
What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.

- Michael Josephson


If you are wanting to share in a chat or e-mail me about your battle with alcoholism or how it is affecting those around you, please feel free to share here in a comment on how I can contact you.

I want to see you succeed.  It's a beautiful feeling.

With lots of love, hugs and gratitude!

Lien