Why do I have a blog ??

I often wonder why I even have a blog?  I have not been writing as much as I would like.  And yet, writing is my passion!  Sigh...

So much has happened, once again...since my last entry.  Yes.  Yes, indeed!! 

My loving, adorable and amazing mother, Betty Tisdale, celebrated her 90th birthday on September 29th..one day before her actual birthday - September 30th.  It was a wonderful and quiet gathering of mostly her family (Tisdales...galore!) and a few good close friends at Canlis Restaurant, a nice posh restaurant, on the south side of Queen Anne Hill in Seattle, Washington.

I am in awe of my mother...who is an inspiration to me when it comes to humanitarian efforts.  She has taught me about how wonderful and necessary it is to give back to this world.  My mother is more of a world humanitarian whereas I am a local Shoreline resident who is giving back to her own Shoreline community.  We have the same goal...to improve humankind by showing compassion by our simple random acts of kindness.  I love my mother for sharing that great quality and goal in life.  Thank you, Mom!

My parents adopted my one sister (not blood related) and me back in 1970...my sister was 6 months old and I was 4 years old.  My adopted father already had five sons (4  biological sons and an adopted son from Hawaii) from his first marriage.  Then when he met my adopted mother, Betty (Moul) Tisdale, they adopted my 3 other sisters over a 3 year period.  We became the 1/2 Vietnamese part of the 'Brady Bunch'...5 boys and 5 girls in the Tisdale Family!  Indeed that is what we were...the 'Brady Bunch' of Columbus, GA!

My mother's humanitarian efforts continued through the years when we were growing up with her working late at night and into the wee early morning hours.  She has worked tirelessly over the decades...since the mid 1960's when she met Dr. Tom Dooley (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Anthony_Dooley_III).  When my mother retired in 2000, she started her wonderful humanitarian organization, HALO - Helping and Loving Orphans.  She currently has orphanages in Afghanistan, Bogota and Vietnam. 

My mother just got back from Afghanistan in April of this year...at the age of nearly 90 years old.  Is that amazing or what??  IF only I can do HALF what she has accomplished and still accomplishing even now.  It is my hopes to still get her on the "Ellen DeGeneres Show"...over a 2 year crusade.  I've contacted her show's website, Facebook page, Twitter and etc....sigh.  BUT, I will prevail and make this happen...get her a special appearance on Ellen's Show !  Any help would be greatly appreciated!  Thank you in advance.  I really want her to be on there as I see how giving and compassionate Ellen DeGeneres is and would love to see HALO be a recipient of her kindness.

Here is the Facebook page I created to get my mother on the Ellen DeGeneres Show...https://www.facebook.com/pages/ELLENhave-Betty-TisdaleHelping-and-Loving-Orphans-on-YOUR-show/365603336314?ref=ts&fref=ts

Happy 90th Birthday...once again, Mom (Mum).  You're the best!

Now for my next sharing...it is a wonderful and exciting one!

I was able to finally get a hold of my 5th Grade English teacher, Ms. Gwen Hart...!!  Oh my gosh !  I cannot begin to tell you how amazing it was to finally talk to her and to truly thank her from the bottom of my heart for being such a great inspiration to my passion for writing.  She is still a 'teacher' at heart...excuse the pun there...'heart' for Ms. Hart !  ;-)

I explained to her that I had a difficult time to tracking her down until recently.  It is truly amazing how advanced and terrific technology is when there is a success story involved like this one.  I am still grinning ear to ear as I continue to write here. IT is just soooo wonderful.

When we spoke it was as if time had not changed much...as far as teacher/student relationship went.  We shared our life stories and did some catching up.  I thanked her profusely...couldn't have been said enough to be honest.  BUT, I think she got the message and sentiment.  Do you think?

Then, we got to talking about my personal blog here and the book I am writing about on my alcoholism.  Ms. Hart was so happy for me.  And she even told me how PROUD she was of me. I was just shaking like a young girl who had just met a celebrity...honestly, that was exactly how I felt.  IF you saw her back in the late 1970's, you'd understand.  Not only was Ms. Hart 'brainy' BUT she was a knockout!  A true Southern beauty.  All my male school mates from Brookstone School in Georgia where we all attended back then...would definitely AGREE !  Right, boys ??  ;-)

I read her my blog entry, "Thank you, Mrs. Gwen Hart, my Fifth Grade English Teacher...for my passion to write."  Oh dear...I could 'feel' her correcting my grammatical errors.  I seriously was sweating and nervous as I read aloud my entry to her.  I then asked if she would like me to send a copy of the blog entry.  "Of course!, she exclaimed.  AND then she added that she WAS indeed already visualizing in her head and writing down my grammatical errors with her 'RED' pen !  Sheeeeesh!  So now, Ms. Hart is really eager to get her hands on my blog entry....which she should have gotten yesterday (Friday) or she will get it today (Saturday).

I am just so happy that Ms. Hart and I have reconnected...and I enclosed a photo of my family and me together.  I will let you know what she says when we chat next after she has finally received it.  Ooooh....I am indeed shivering in my boots. Wait! I can't wear boots so soon after my foot surgery - ha ha!  Can you imagine a teacher still doing that to you - making you still shake...decades later ??  Oh...dear!

My last sharing here actually has to do with our Shoreline (Washington) community and me...giving a gorgeous Thanksgiving Dinner basket to a needy family here in Shoreline.  I was inspired by the Martial Arts Center where my son, Jack, was learning martial arts about 5 years ago (maybe less).  They were heading up a Thanksgiving Basket drive.  Since I had contacts within the deli department in the QFC-Richmond Beach store, I was able to get a discount on turkeys for the baskets.  It felt so good to be a part of a giving team that was helping needy families throughout the Shoreline area.

I have a Facebook page called "Secret Shoreline" where I promote all things going on in the Shoreline Community.  I started the page just over 2 years ago not knowing my own community here in Shoreline and I have been a resident here since 1997.  So, I decided what better way to get to know Shoreline by finding resources...via schools, colleges, businesses, restaurants and etc and start promoting events, plays, informational seminars, fun community festivals and the list goes on and on here.

Last month, I started thinking of ways to truly give back to the community and the idea of giving a Thanksgiving Dinner basket came to mind as soon as I remembered the Martial Arts' Thanksgiving basket drive we did back then.  When I introduced my Facebook Shoreline community page with this idea, I was surprisingly shocked with the donations and the money that came in...to make this happen for a family needing a meal at a special time of the year...Thanksgiving.  We filled the basket completely AND had 3-4 additional grocery bags of other goodies to prepare for the Thanksgiving dinner and dessert as well!


I have been given so much and in light of the hard times my family has endured, there was always a part of me who knew that someone, some family was worse off than me.  I wanted to help them to celebrate with dignity and to have cherished memories like others who do not have it so hard...but just needed a helping hand...a loving and caring community hand.

Since that went so well, I thought there were others that needed help here in Shoreline.  So, the idea of helping out the Tent City 3 homeless residents living at a local church grounds...literally fell into my lap.  Someone mentioned that they needed some warm blankets, warm sleeping bags, warm hats and etc...as the weather is getting very cold here now.  The overwhelming amount of donations have made it clear how this Shoreline community really does come together to help our very own...in our own 'backyard'.  The messages of "Where can I take my donations, Lien?" are overflowing in my inbox on the Secret Shoreline Facebook page AND my personal Facebook page.

I THANK all my Shoreline community members on my Secret Shoreline Facebook page for making giving back look so easy and so humbling !  And to those who are not even living in the Shoreline area...a HUGE THANK YOU, too !  I am so blessed to live in such a wonderful and caring community. 

My next drive is the Secret Shoreline Community Food and Toy Drive on December 19th, 2012. 

When I think about the months of not wanting to write here and am now finding myself writing about the good things that are happening in my life rather than writing and focusing on the negatives...this is where I NOW know WHY I have this blog.  It is a place where I share my thoughts, feelings and etc...and to be truly myself and to share this all with you.

I am so grateful for everything I do have in my life and I am blessed to have so many wonderful family, friends and acquaintances who share this joy and positivity that I am right now feeling.  Was I feeling depressed when I started writing here?  Yes.  After writing this, am I?  Yes, alittle.  But, this is the start of releasing the sadness, anger and depression that I was feeling. 

Just breathe, Lien...and life will continue.  I just have to be the one to make something with this life that I was so freely given. 

I shall end this with a simple...THANK YOU for being in my life and in my heart.  AND I want to share with you a poem that I posted on my Secret Shoreline with great inspiration from everyone on my page who help to make a difference with me in showing compassion through caring and sharing...from the bottom of their hearts.  ♥

 SHARING...

When we share laughter,

 There's twice the fun;
When we share success,
We surpassed what we've done.

When we share problems,
There's half the pain;
When we share tears,
A rainbow follows rain.

When we share dreams,
They become more real;
When we share secrets,
Our hearts we reveal.

If we share a smile,
That's when our love shows;
If we share a hug,
It's when our love grows.

If we share with someone
On whom we depend,
That person is always
Our family or friend.

And what draws us closer
And makes us all care,
Is not what we have,
But the things that we share

- Author unknown

And...my blog continues after all.  Nice grin here... :-)

Letter From My Addiction

* This letter was given to all patients and myself at my first stay at an in-patient rehab here in Seattle, Washington in 2005.




Dear Friend,

I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.

I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.

It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.

The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.

And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul.

FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.


Faithfully yours,



Your addiction and drug of choice

Hi. My name is Lien, I am an alcoholic.

Alcoholism (alcohol dependence) and alcohol abuse are two different forms of problem drinking.

* Alcoholism is when you have signs of physical addiction to alcohol and continues to drink, despite problems with physical health, mental health, and social, family, or job responsibilities. Alcohol may control your life and relationships.

* Alcohol abuse is when your drinking leads to problems, but not physical addiction.



In light of all the events surrounding the death of Amy Winehouse and countless others who have died from addiction, I felt compelled to share my story of what my addiction to alcohol is to me.



Hi. My name is Lien, I'm an alcoholic.



I am writing this to share my story of alcoholism and an insight of a true alcoholic. This may not be for you to read (either in denial or boredom of hearing this).

For those whom I can touch and help with their addiction or for those who would like to have a better picture and understanding as they may have loved ones afflicted with this disease, I will continue to write this for you and a reminder for myself of where I was and never want to return.

My serious drinking began after I had my daughter in 1993. We lived in a one bedroom apartment on Queen Anne. I was frustrated as a housewife. Thus, the blaming began. I was unhappy with everyone and everything.

The drinking would start at 4pm when Rosie O'Donnell's show, "Rosie", came on in the afternoon. I, gleefully, opened that wonderful bottle of Chardonnay. This was my downtime after I had a long day with my daughter... a joy! But she was a high maintenance child (that is how I felt at the time). I needed to relax and REALLY unwind.



I deserved it and rewarded myself in doing so.


This was to go on for numerous years. We then moved to Greenlake in 1995. Living next door to my neighbor, my landlord, only increased my drinking. We would drink together as soon as she got home from work at 5pm. I had already finished a few glasses by then. By the end of the evening, I was 'officially' drunk.

This went on for years after. I gave birth to my son in 1996. The drinking continued full throttle shortly after he was born. Having 2 children in my life now gave me more ammunition to drink to oblivion.


During those years after my son was born, I started drinking earlier...2pm. General Hospital, a soap opera, was a good enough reason to drink earlier. I had done the laundry, cleaned the dishes and etc.



I deserved the wine and rewarded myself in doing so.


Food Network became the next excuse for drinking. I wanted to be 'sophisticated' and be like one of those cooks drinking wine while cooking. Yep, I looked and felt 'sophisticated'....alone.



I deserved the wine and rewarded myself in doing so.


I made lovely dinners...here and there. Then making the dinners became less and less AND the drinking was more and more. Too many days of neglecting of my children were becoming too common. My husband by then was frustrated and saddened as he had NO idea of what could he do to help me. I was in serious denial and kept drinking. He kept buying as that was all he could do to keep peace with me.


What was the attraction to the bottle and the glass of Chardonnay? I had no idea at the time. All I know at that time was I just loved having that buzz and not have a care in the world. I didn't care about being a mother (deep down then) nor being a wife, daughter and etc.

We moved to Shoreline in 1997 the exact month and year that the late Princess Diana died. AHHH! Another reason to drink...MORE! I was a loyal fan of the late Princess Diana and blamed Prince Charles. At the time, I wasn't thinking that there are 2 sides to every situation. I just blamed and blamed without realizing IT was ME not everyone and everything that happened in my life.

Slowly since then, I started losing friends and family. I still drank and didn't give a damn because I knew that the bottle of Chardonnay was still my best friend...over my husband even.

I tried therapy many times to deal with deep-rooted issues as my husband, friends and family felt I needed to address. I had the hardest time each time it came to my rapes. When it reached to that point with each therapist...I ran to the first bar to 'drown' my sorrows, shame and anger...anger that I could not get past the rapes. Rapes that SHOULD NOT have happened but they did. Not my choice...especially since it happened when I was 8 years old to 12 years old.



These rapes were the biggest part of my blaming for my drinking.


I totally suppressed my anger, hurt, confusion on what happened to me...by drinking the memories away. Numbing is what it's called. Since I was able to suppress these feelings, thoughts and memories, I kept drinking and drinking.It got to the point that I was drinking 24/7. THIS is not something I had ever done before.

It was the 'sneaking' around that enticed me to drink 24/7. I thought, "WOW. I can drink whenever I want...and wherever". I drank at home all morning into the evening. I drank the MINUTE I woke up in the morning to have that "hair of the dog".

I hid my glasses of wine all over the house from my husband and children. I say glasses because I would lose one and have to fill another glass. I then went from the wine glasses to liqueur glass and finally to tea mugs. I thought it was wrong of me to drink in the morning but didn't care. So, I put the wine in the tea mugs thinking I was clever. Come to find out, I was rather stupid and ridiculous to think otherwise. Sigh.

Then there were my 2 individual inpatient stays (28 days each)/rehabilitation centers and 6 detox hospital visits. The last detox I was nearly pronounced dead. IT was THAT bad. Putting those visits behind me....I continued to drink...finally into a downward spiral that nearly lost me everything and everyone.

I was driving my children around half drunk often. I can remember one distinct occasion. We were heading up to Stanwood to visit a friend...oh my, this is very hard to share. I couldn't find my glasses to drive...and I desperately was looking for my contacts. No luck. It was pouring down BIG time..typical Seattle weather.

I drove erratically and emotionally distraught as I had an argument with my husband before I left. I KNEW I was NOT in any condition to drive nor should I have had the children in the car with me. This was not the first time I drank and then got behind the wheel with my children in the car with me. I am forever ashamed and will live with these times with endangering my children...for the rest of my life. My children were old enough to know that what I did was wrong and very scary for them.

There are so many events that occurred that there would be volumes of books to cover them all. I don't want to bore you but know these events live with me and remind me of that part of my life which I would like to keep as part of my terrible past of neglect with my children, husband and other loved ones in my life.

My life was completely unmanageable. This next event was close to hitting rock bottom for me. I got a DUI in July 2009. I tried giving up drinking for 3 weeks prior to the DUI. I was out with friends celebrating a promotion someone received. I thought...I deserved it, I went 3 weeks without a drink. I can do it. I rewarded myself in doing so. Well, what do ya know...got pulled over after having shots of Peppermint Schnapps and a glass or two (?) of Chardonnay. I continued to drink even after the DUI.

You may want to skip this but this is important to share.

I went to the doctor's after my husband saw blood in my stool found in the toilet. This had been going on for MONTHS. I didn't tell anyone NOT even my husband ..heaven forbid! I couldn't because I was too embarrassed and thought it would stop. IT didn't. When I saw my doctor...it was then I received the very DEVASTATING medical news.

My doctor showed me my liver test results. GULP. She informed me that IF I don't STOP drinking that I would DIE within the next month or 2 (if I was lucky).

I finally reached rock bottom. There was NO turning back...time.

THAT DID IT. October 6th, 2009 is my sobriety date.

I FINALLY surrendered. I was, still am AND always will be 'powerless' over alcohol.

Hi. My name is Lien, I am an alcoholic.

I have been in the AA program for the last 15+ years. It has been a true blessing for me. I resisted as countless other reluctant others in denial over the years. BUT now, I embrace the program. I have learned that I truly am 'powerless over alcohol'. And, I am constantly learning from fellow sober members with lots of sobriety time to new members with hours or days that it is TRULY...

ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE HOUR AT A TIME. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.

On a happy note, I am successfully sober going into my 3rd year of sobriety. I am proud of this as the most I have ever had previous was 61 days and of those...28 days were spent in my first inpatient rehab.

I stopped the blaming (I had alot but did NOT want to bore you with ALL of them); have taken accountability; allowed to be open-minded; learn to accept advice; work the AA program; to start loving myself and to accept that I am still a good person but with a terrible, progressive and fatal disease called "alcoholism".

IF I had not had the strong support of my husband, my children, my mother, my brothers, my wonderful doctors, and my former therapist (whom I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude for my personal growth , my outpatient therapy (court ordered but well received) AND countless CLOSE friends that I could count on....I would NOT be alive.


Thank you all for being here for me and loving me, unconditionally.


I pray for those who have passed on from their addiction; for those who are struggling and/or in denial...that you find some peace somehow by reaching out.


YOU COUNT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE LOVED.


I will conclude with two songs that I listen to as much as possible to remind myself I am human and still have a reason to live...


"Believe and Open Your Heart"





...and to to remind myself that LIFE will get better... and it will always be...



ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE HOUR AT A TIME. ONE MINUTE AT A TIME.



"One More Day" - Rio Diamond




I am now a recovering alcoholic with the gift given to me to live, to love and to have happiness through sobriety.



I love you all and thank you for letting me share.



Lovingly,

Lien

XOXO

Showing and giving compassion...

I want to start off by saying that I was really upset a couple of weeks ago but have let time to give me the opportunity to not vent on here and make a fool of myself. So, I am able, after giving myself some time, to now write in a calm manner and with compassion which is really what life is all about, isn't it? Simply showing and giving compassion.

It was brought to my attention that I was the laughing subject in regards to my having to had to go the food bank (bread line in the UK). All I have to say is that for those who are accountable of your unkind words and thoughts that I hope YOU never have to resort to that. You are obviously truly blessed and should be ever so grateful to be where you are in your lives.


(Photo courtesy of 4everadream.blogspot.com)

With that said, I will continue with the purpose of this entry...showing and giving compassion.

I recently watched a very moving, very powerful and compassionate segment on a national TV show, "60 Minutes" here in America. The segment was called, "Hard Times Generation" which dealt with families who have been reduced to no jobs, little or no money and living in their cars/trucks. It is reported that 25% of Americans are in poverty...THAT is 1 out of 4 Americans!

WOW! I had NO idea how bad it is here. There are more details that are shared in the video. I will not go into politics (which I never have nor ever will...!)on this subject. Just sharing the reality...no need for placing blame as there are plenty of people who are doing just that without my input.



What moved me tremendously are the children of the impoverished parent(s). Their outlook on life put me to shame (I hope that others who judge like I have of those in need feel the same way) as I listened to the kind and mature words they shared. Their wisdom is so beyond their ages (in particular to one set of children interviewed)- 15 years old and 10 years old.

These children go to regular school, yet live out of their cars/trucks. Some have had to lie about an address to be able to attend school. Some have had to use the bathrooms of gas (petrol) stations, stores and other places that have bathrooms...to brush their teeth, bathe and etc.

That is just a scenario of what life is like for some of these American families living in poverty. Please take the time to watch the enclosed video. It will make you think twice before you complain about your woes. Ask yourself..."How have I made a difference in another person's life...a family member, a friend or even a stranger?" Don't get me wrong...it's great to be there for family and friends. But, for me...I like to step out of my comfort zone to help someone who has it harder than me...to remind myself to be humble and to hold back the negative thoughts that do not show compassion.

When I look at my mother, Betty Tisdale, who is a world renowned humanitarian who still at nearly 90 years of age dedicates to giving back to the human race. Orphanage work is her passion AND her compassion to help these orphans who have no one else to help...in particular the wing of an orphanage she helped to establish for children younger than 10 years and younger...alot of beautiful yet malnourished babies. This is in Kabul, Afghanistan where she just returned from last month. The following video will show you how she will stop at nothing to help others in great need...

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

IF my mother at the near age of 90 can show compassion in a worldly manner then it should not be so difficult for me to do my part to help improve humankind by showing compassion here in America...in my own backyard as they say. For instance, volunteering at the food bank where I went. This has helped me to be open minded and empathize for those who have it harder than me.

My husband and I still own a house, a car and have a wonderful family (a soon to be 19 year old daughter in August and a 16 1/2 year old son). There are many who go through the line who are not so fortunate. So, I DO count my blessings. Therefore, I am now able to give back...being there for those less fortunate.

You will be amazed how even a gesture of a hug can mean to someone you don't know. Sharing a smile with those who have no reason or desire to smile. Or listening to a client at the food bank. Just anything that is beyond your normal way of helping. I am not dismissing helping a friend out or a relative...perhaps go one step further and reach out to someone who is a stranger.

Life is too short...as we painfully know through the most recent Colorado killings. Bottom line...take the time for others, please stop judging and improve humankind by showing AND giving compassion. Everybody has an opportunity to make a difference...no matter how small or big. Just find it in your heart to make some kind of difference.

I will end this with a quote from Mother Teresa, a true inspiration for my mother and me (and countless others):

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.

― Mother Teresa

I am here...AT LAST!

(Photo courtesy of the Love Quotes and Sayings Facebook page)

Once again, I find myself not having been able to write here as my heart was quite heavy with so many changes in my life that I simply did not have the desire to write. It felt like I had nothing to share yet as I reflect on the time that passed, I realize that I did have something to share...and there's a lot!

Just over a few months ago and previous to that, I was in a very dark place. That dark place lasted a good 5 months...since my last entry here. I chose depression rather than forging on like I tell my members in my Facebook page, "Simply sharing POSITIVE thoughts, feelings and advice", to do. Certainly, someone here was not listening to her own advice. Now that I look back on it, I wish I HAD listen to my own words of encouragement and empowerment that I share daily with the wonderful ladies on my Facebook page.

As I have explained throughout this blog, I am a recovering alcoholic. When I was going through this dark place, I really wanted that first drink so badly. But, I couldn't and wouldn't. Deep down, I knew I did NOT want to ever go back to where I was when I became sober back on October 6th, 2009. IT took all my might to steer clear of buying my favorite Paul Thomas Chardonnay ( my drug of choice). I am happy to say that I am still clean and sober. BIG smile here!

So, I am here to share on what it took to get me back to writing...AT LAST!

Real estate for my husband has not been easy...due to the economy. So, as alot of others affected with the similar situation as ours can understand that we had to do what we could to get by. One of those unfortunate things was we had to resort to the food bank.

For me, that was the most embarrassing and undesirable last resort to accept but it was reality. As I write this, I am still trembling as I feel it was only yesterday that I had to walk into that food bank at the Volunteers of America Western Washington Greenwood. There was so much shame and humiliation that filled my heart as I walked through that door. I stepped into a world that I thought I would never have to be in...ever.

Coming from a family of stature and wealth, this was SO beneath me. I had no idea of what to expect. As I brought my boxes and empty grocery bags to be filled with basic staple food that we could put on our table, I was trembling so much that I could barely hold onto the boxes and bags. I will never forget this one volunteer, Lydia, who saw me trembling and seeing the tears of humiliation falling down my cheeks like a damn that could not be stopped from anything to keep it contained. She came from around behind the table which was full of lovely produce that separated the volunteers from the clients. Lydia embraced me and she hugged me tightly. It wasn't too tight but when she had me put my head on her chest to let me just cry however hard and necessary to get it ALL out, I realized that these volunteers care...a great deal. It's called empathy.




Then she motioned to another volunteer to get their supervisor, Patty, to talk to me and just be there for me. AT that moment, I felt even more embarrassed. I did NOT want to make a BIG deal of this...yet, it was TOO late. Patty came from the back room and she immediately embraced me with a compassionate hug.

Patty took me back into her office and let me continue to cry. I just could NOT stop. She just let me cry. AS soon as I was able to take a breath here and there during the crying, she talked to me how life can be so hard for many and that there is NO shame coming to the food bank.

As I sat listening to Patty, I did realize that there were many clients who went there from all levels of financial stature. No one was excluded from the economic situation and having to go to the food bank. I felt better hearing this as it was selfish of me to feel that I was 'above' the other clients that came through the food bank, too.

I went a couple more times after that first initial visit to the Greenwood Food Bank. I stopped going. I just couldn't do it anymore. Then, one day my husband couldn't make it down to the food bank. I had not gotten out of my bed that day and it was getting to be almost too late before the food bank was to close. So, I forced myself to get up and just DO IT like the Nike commercial says.

Once I got there...again, I cried like incessantly. I could not stop crying again. Oh...I was just beside myself. Lydia came and gave me a hug and again she got another volunteer to get Patty. AND Patty hugged me in that all too familiar embrace and wanted to just talk. I was NOT in the mood to talk. But talk she did. AND I listened.

Then out of the blue she said to me..."I remember that you said you like to do office work and I sure could use some help...A LOT of help. Would you like to put that office experience to use here?" I thought about it some more as I went through the line to get the food. And when I came to the end of the line, I told her, "Sure...when would you like me to start?" I could NOT believe those words came out of my mouth.

I was and still am a stay at home mom. My children are in their teens, my daughter just finished as a freshman at the University of Washington and my son attends Shorewood High School here in Shoreline. So, I thought to myself that I could easily work during Jack's school hours.

AND..this was the pivotal moment in my life that I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and was needed. I worked more hours than necessary but I wanted to be accountable and learn more about being responsible. What a wonderful responsibility and new experience that I was about to embark.

I got to know all the names of the volunteers. I listened to each volunteer who wanted to share their stories and life challenges. They wanted to share whatever was on their minds as we became comfortable with each other over time. I helped wherever I was needed. Being at the front desk, on days the food bank is open, was my favorite part as I checked in the clients to go through the line for their food.

It has been the most wonderful 3 months at the food bank. This volunteer work has really open my eyes to see that we all have challenges and must face realistically but, also, to feel with empathy for each client going through the line as I have done. I have seen the same tears I shed previously on a number of other clients and I am able to give back what the volunteers there gave me...a sense of hope, sharing of unconditional love and a beautiful memory of knowing that empathy rises to the occasion for each and every client.

AND I got to know the donors, too. The donors are amazingly generous and wonderful people. I learned so much about their personal lives and why they donate so generously. There is so much more involved in running that food bank...any food bank for that matter. I felt really great being a part of the team of caring volunteers who help to provide food to those less fortunate, like myself, with the courtesy of wonderful donors who bring a variety amount in size of food to the food bank.

I've had to currently take 6 weeks off from my terrific volunteer position to have foot surgery and recovery time for the left foot to heal. During the time off, I have begun to think that it is time that I get a full-time job as soon as I get the okay from my doctor to start walking again. Whatever I do next, this part of my life I will always cherish and let it be my stepping stone for new experiences in which I can now do with pride rather than being feeble and unsure. This has given me new strength and compassion to find the positive rather than the negative in people and events.

Please believe that things will work out as long as you have faith, love and compassion within you. Through all of this, I learned that I do matter. AND when I matter, I can make others feel that they, too, matter.

"We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life." - William Osler