(Photo courtesy of the Love Quotes and Sayings Facebook page)
Once again, I find myself not having been able to write here as my heart was quite heavy with so many changes in my life that I simply did not have the desire to write. It felt like I had nothing to share yet as I reflect on the time that passed, I realize that I did have something to share...and there's a lot!
Just over a few months ago and previous to that, I was in a very dark place. That dark place lasted a good 5 months...since my last entry here. I chose depression rather than forging on like I tell my members in my Facebook page, "Simply sharing POSITIVE thoughts, feelings and advice", to do. Certainly, someone here was not listening to her own advice. Now that I look back on it, I wish I HAD listen to my own words of encouragement and empowerment that I share daily with the wonderful ladies on my Facebook page.
As I have explained throughout this blog, I am a recovering alcoholic. When I was going through this dark place, I really wanted that first drink so badly. But, I couldn't and wouldn't. Deep down, I knew I did NOT want to ever go back to where I was when I became sober back on October 6th, 2009. IT took all my might to steer clear of buying my favorite Paul Thomas Chardonnay ( my drug of choice). I am happy to say that I am still clean and sober. BIG smile here!
So, I am here to share on what it took to get me back to writing...AT LAST!
Real estate for my husband has not been easy...due to the economy. So, as alot of others affected with the similar situation as ours can understand that we had to do what we could to get by. One of those unfortunate things was we had to resort to the food bank.
For me, that was the most embarrassing and undesirable last resort to accept but it was reality. As I write this, I am still trembling as I feel it was only yesterday that I had to walk into that food bank at the Volunteers of America Western Washington Greenwood. There was so much shame and humiliation that filled my heart as I walked through that door. I stepped into a world that I thought I would never have to be in...ever.
Coming from a family of stature and wealth, this was SO beneath me. I had no idea of what to expect. As I brought my boxes and empty grocery bags to be filled with basic staple food that we could put on our table, I was trembling so much that I could barely hold onto the boxes and bags. I will never forget this one volunteer, Lydia, who saw me trembling and seeing the tears of humiliation falling down my cheeks like a damn that could not be stopped from anything to keep it contained. She came from around behind the table which was full of lovely produce that separated the volunteers from the clients. Lydia embraced me and she hugged me tightly. It wasn't too tight but when she had me put my head on her chest to let me just cry however hard and necessary to get it ALL out, I realized that these volunteers care...a great deal. It's called empathy.
Then she motioned to another volunteer to get their supervisor, Patty, to talk to me and just be there for me. AT that moment, I felt even more embarrassed. I did NOT want to make a BIG deal of this...yet, it was TOO late. Patty came from the back room and she immediately embraced me with a compassionate hug.
Patty took me back into her office and let me continue to cry. I just could NOT stop. She just let me cry. AS soon as I was able to take a breath here and there during the crying, she talked to me how life can be so hard for many and that there is NO shame coming to the food bank.
As I sat listening to Patty, I did realize that there were many clients who went there from all levels of financial stature. No one was excluded from the economic situation and having to go to the food bank. I felt better hearing this as it was selfish of me to feel that I was 'above' the other clients that came through the food bank, too.
I went a couple more times after that first initial visit to the Greenwood Food Bank. I stopped going. I just couldn't do it anymore. Then, one day my husband couldn't make it down to the food bank. I had not gotten out of my bed that day and it was getting to be almost too late before the food bank was to close. So, I forced myself to get up and just DO IT like the Nike commercial says.
Once I got there...again, I cried like incessantly. I could not stop crying again. Oh...I was just beside myself. Lydia came and gave me a hug and again she got another volunteer to get Patty. AND Patty hugged me in that all too familiar embrace and wanted to just talk. I was NOT in the mood to talk. But talk she did. AND I listened.
Then out of the blue she said to me..."I remember that you said you like to do office work and I sure could use some help...A LOT of help. Would you like to put that office experience to use here?" I thought about it some more as I went through the line to get the food. And when I came to the end of the line, I told her, "Sure...when would you like me to start?" I could NOT believe those words came out of my mouth.
I was and still am a stay at home mom. My children are in their teens, my daughter just finished as a freshman at the University of Washington and my son attends Shorewood High School here in Shoreline. So, I thought to myself that I could easily work during Jack's school hours.
AND..this was the pivotal moment in my life that I finally felt like I belonged somewhere and was needed. I worked more hours than necessary but I wanted to be accountable and learn more about being responsible. What a wonderful responsibility and new experience that I was about to embark.
I got to know all the names of the volunteers. I listened to each volunteer who wanted to share their stories and life challenges. They wanted to share whatever was on their minds as we became comfortable with each other over time. I helped wherever I was needed. Being at the front desk, on days the food bank is open, was my favorite part as I checked in the clients to go through the line for their food.
It has been the most wonderful 3 months at the food bank. This volunteer work has really open my eyes to see that we all have challenges and must face realistically but, also, to feel with empathy for each client going through the line as I have done. I have seen the same tears I shed previously on a number of other clients and I am able to give back what the volunteers there gave me...a sense of hope, sharing of unconditional love and a beautiful memory of knowing that empathy rises to the occasion for each and every client.
AND I got to know the donors, too. The donors are amazingly generous and wonderful people. I learned so much about their personal lives and why they donate so generously. There is so much more involved in running that food bank...any food bank for that matter. I felt really great being a part of the team of caring volunteers who help to provide food to those less fortunate, like myself, with the courtesy of wonderful donors who bring a variety amount in size of food to the food bank.
I've had to currently take 6 weeks off from my terrific volunteer position to have foot surgery and recovery time for the left foot to heal. During the time off, I have begun to think that it is time that I get a full-time job as soon as I get the okay from my doctor to start walking again. Whatever I do next, this part of my life I will always cherish and let it be my stepping stone for new experiences in which I can now do with pride rather than being feeble and unsure. This has given me new strength and compassion to find the positive rather than the negative in people and events.
Please believe that things will work out as long as you have faith, love and compassion within you. Through all of this, I learned that I do matter. AND when I matter, I can make others feel that they, too, matter.
"We are here to add what we can to life, not to get what we can from life." - William Osler
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