Being honest with myself and staying strong...

(Photo from my personal photo gallery)

October 6th, 2013...I celebrated 4 years of sobriety and continue!

Being honest and staying strong have been daily struggles for me.  And so, my being honest with myself, I have had to accept over and over that I have a problem with alcohol.  I detest saying that I am an 'alcoholic' as it has such a negative stigma, at least that is how I feel. So from here on out, I will say that I have a problem with drinking and leave it at that.  I will only say that I am an alcoholic when I am in certain places where it is expected to say that...only there and nowhere else will I say that.

This past weekend, I attended a family wedding.  It was fabulous to see family from out of state!  But, that was the hardest thing to have to experience since getting sober...except for my mother's stroke. The entire weekend, there was alcohol all over - at my mother's, at the rehearsal dinner and at the wedding.  Mind you, that IS to be expected. Nonetheless, I was suffering inside. 

Friday night was a dinner gathering at my mother's.  I could not believe how much alcohol there was...both bought and consumed.  It did not get out of control nor was there any family drama.  But, I will be honest that I was effing jealous that I could not join in on the 'social drinking'. 

And my addiction personality was trying to take control of my mind saying, "Lien, you have come this far.  What's one drink?  Hey, get a glass of wine and take it back to Mom's den.  No one will notice as hardly anyone is back there.  And if someone comes back there, just hide it like old times." 

THAT thinking was what was playing in my head...the whole weekend.  I could have easily done that as there were so many folks around and yet, hiding places were so available.  Oh, it was a scene that I always detest to be in whenever I am in an environment where alcohol is that readily available.  FREE drinks.  Whoah!

Saturday night was not too bad. It was the rehearsal dinner at Marination in West Seattle.    I watched family and other rehearsal dinner attendees thoroughly enjoying themselves.  I did want to join in the fun festivities and the lively chats that got louder as the drinks were consumed.  There were a few times that I did want to go up and get a drink but knew that all eyes would have been in me and WERE on me. 

Sunday night was the wedding...what a beautiful and moving wedding it WAS!  Now, there was definitely a good amount of alcohol flowing through there.  The champagne glasses were filled with the bubbly champagne which was all too inviting...very inviting.  AND when someone sat next to me with their glass of Chardonnay wine...OH BOY, I was drooling.  All kinds of alcohol - whiskey drinks, red & white wines, champagne and etc. - were being served. 

Many times, I had to excuse myself from a circle of folks chatting while holding their glass of alcohol beverage to get some fresh air.  It was that bad for me.  Tears welled up as all I could think about was "WHY ME?!".  Then later I changed that thinking to "It's LIFE and that is just part of my life...it is me that is the one with the problem of drinking not the others who can and will drink in front of me."  I did not choose to be the one with a drinking problem.  I just have to continue to accept this and live my life as best I can.

SO, HOW THE HELL did I make it through that weekend with all those temptations?!?!!

I just DID.  I had to be honest with myself throughout the weekend that I DO HAVE a problem with drinking.  And I do not want to go back to the horrible life I was living, the lies I told and getting sicker over time.  In fact, I can still taste that last sip of wine I had when I said I was DONE.  Oh...what a horrible day that was but a wonderful and blessed one it was at the same time.

What gets me through the tough times of temptation are three things that constantly remind me not to drink:

1.  The DUI I got in July 2009.

2.  The devastating and dire liver test results I received in October 2009.

3.  My relationships with my children, husband, family and friends.

HOW I stay strong and sober may not be ideal for others who have been sober for quite sometime or for those who are struggling right now.  For those who know me, I will be honest that AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) was not for me.  I do go back periodically to the meetings that helped me in my early sobriety.  It is through humility and gratefulness that draws me back to the AA meetings from time to time.  I would not be where I am without my humble beginning in the AA rooms.

Everyone has their way of dealing with staying sober and staying strong.  There is no right or wrong.  You have to be comfortable in your own skin and not worry what others think about you or have to say to you.

That was another thing that caused me to relapse over and over before I finally said "Enough is enough!".  I was constantly worried about what people thought of me. Case in point is my time on Facebook.  Yes, I am bringing this up again and hopefully for the last time.

I am constantly ridiculed for being on Facebook all the time.  It HURTS when people are constantly bringing THIS up.  When my brother brought up my time on Facebook over the weekend at one of the family gatherings, I got mad and very defensive.  Usually, I whimper and just let folks have their say and hope it doesn't get brought up again...at least for awhile.  Well, when my brother mentioned my Facebook time, I blurted out (with confidence) "Don't EVEN begin to judge me on the Facebook issue.  YOU have NO idea what my story is...so back off!"  He was both taken aback and proud that I stood up for myself.  You have no idea how I was shaking after being firm with him.  I have never been this strong and dang it...it felt GREAT!

It is amazing how time has really given me more strength in my beliefs and confidence to know that I am a good and decent human being...with a disease called alcoholism.  Knowing that I can finally stand firm on not being belittled for what I do to keep sober, I am feeling more comfortable in my own skin.  It has taken a long time to come to this realization but having people who truly believe in me through and through is what gets me through these alcohol temptations I continue to experience from time to time like this past weekend.

Thank you, Patrick (my older brother), for showing me that I do not have to take what others say to me or about me to heart anymore.  I am who I am.  And for those who are struggling...there is hope.  You are given a choice to live or die from this disease, too.  Just make sure to surround yourself with positive family and/or friends who believe in you!  YOU are strong enough...just believe in yourself!

Yes there will be days that I am not so confident,  But, the days that I am strong makes up for those days I am not.

IT is indeed ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Thank you all for being here.  My sobriety means the world to me and so do each of you.  And, I say that from my heart to your heart. 

This song, "Strong Enough" helps me to get through some tough times...I am strong enough!








"Strong Enough"

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

'Cos I'm strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You don't wanna hear about it

I've been losing sleep
You've been going cheap
She ain't worth half of me it's true
I'm telling you

Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true

I'm telling you
That I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And you walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

 

Learning to cope with daily challenges...

My emotions have been all over the place lately and am not sure how or why they appeared to be so severe this time around.  They could be coming from the many challenges I've had to deal with since April 15th, 2013 when my mother had her stroke.  One could surmise the following to be contributing factors to me having had a near nervous breakdown last week... my pre-menopause; having a crazy schedule with helping to care for my mother 24/7 with my sister; our  improved financial situation (which I am not used to having); balancing my own family life, watching my children become near adults, my marriage and etc.

What I do know is that I needed to get my emotions under control or it would have lead me to drink again.  Once again this is a trigger for me that I know all too well.  So, if I didn't find a way to get a grip on this now...I was going to be in deep trouble. 

I, recently, came across this attached photo with the following quote which has been helping me tremendously to focus on the positive in my life.

"Sometimes you have to stop staring at your problems
and start seeing how beautiful your life really is."
- Unknown

The other thing that comes to mind here is that my life is now finally falling into place.

This is new territory for me.

My life is definitely by far from perfect but it is a lot more stable from the days when I was drinking.  I am making better choices, ie. having a healthier diet that includes fruit and vegetables and cutting out as much carbohydrates and sugar (Earl Grey tea is and always will be a staple in my diet - wink!) as possible, finally getting a couple more hours of sleep at night, communicating with more clarity instead of cowering, letting go of negative thoughts and people in my life, most importantly... learning to stop saying "I'm sorry" when unnecessary and learning to say "no" (without the guilt trip).  The list could go on but I don't want to bore anyone here.

Challenges can make one become truly stronger without realizing it.  I can so attest to this.  My reaction to unwanted and unwarranted situation and circumstances has surprised me recently...in a positive way.  What I have discovered which I have known all along from the beginning of my sobriety is that I cannot control people, things and events.  It is just not possible nor realistic. I just never applied it until now.  Better late than never.  So, now I let things happen.  I have inner strength and determination to become stronger each and every day.

I have used the 'woe is me' routine far too many times instead of saying to myself, "I am NO longer the person I was over 3.5 years ago!  Heck, I am not even the same person I was 5 years ago...and THAT person was scary and dangerous (more to myself than others - unless behind the wheels of a car)."  Today, my husband pointed this out and shared with me that I have changed...both inside and out in the past 3.5 years.  This was my aha moment.

I, usually, start off being upset with the challenges and issues that I have been facing with daily which always got me into a place where I knew that I cannot be in whatsoever.  Or I would have wanted to simply...give up.  That would have definitely lead me to the first drink.  AND trust me, I have been thinking about it a lot. Terrible thoughts about that first drink have been swirling in my head.  I was saying to myself over and over again..."I have gone over 3.5 years, I can handle it.  Right?"  Absolutely NOT!

Being stronger now has helped me to say NO to the first drink.  And what a relief to know that I can stay strong and feel empowered.

This is NOT to say that just because I can say "NO" now that I am above those who cannot.  I just have decided that I am the one making this choice to not drink.  I am the one who has to live my life.  No one can tell me differently.  We all have different approaches and decisions to make to determine what kind of life we want to have and live.

My way is not any better or right.  It is just my way.  I will never forget in my first inpatient rehab stay that it was shared to remember that your way is yours...and yours alone.  It is your life.  And I learned that you can't let others share negative thoughts or encroach your life that would not be conducive to your sobriety. 

I am thankful that I continue to stay strong with positive people in my life.  I have a great family support system and selected friends who know me inside and out to guide me with positive reinforcements.

Writing all this out helps me as well and makes me focus on how beautiful my life really is, especially in this world where this is so much danger, deaths and other unfortunate situations that take so many lives, young and old, without warning.  I am so glad to be alive, still sober and to share my way of coping with daily challenges and hope you can take whatever you can from this blog entry to help you get sober...stay sober.

Thank you for reading this.  Your presence helps me to stay sober.  AND for that, I thank you for being here with me now and for being a part of my life.

This song has been one positive reinforcement in my sobriety through and through...



"When You Believe" (sung by Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey) lyrics:

Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

Mariah:

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My hearts so full, I cant explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought Id say

There can be miracles
When you believe (Whitney: When you believe)
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill (Whitney: Mmmmmhhh)

Whitney and Mariah:
Who knows what miracles

Mariah:
You can achieve (Whitney: You can achieve)
When you believe
Somehow you will

Whitney and Mariah:
You will when you believe

They don't always happen when you ask
And its easy to give in to your fear
But when you're blinded by your faith
Can't see your way clear through the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near

There can be miracles (Miracles)
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
When you believe

Sweet smiles from -

Lien

Fighting hard against my triggers to NOT drink so that I could celebrate with my mother and family on Mother's Day...

It has truly been a wonderful Mother's Day ! 

(a few tears roll down my cheeks as I write this blog entry right now)

I was able to celebrate this special day with my 90 year old mother who had a stroke on April 15th, 2013 and has recovered miraculously well.  Exceedingly well, that is!   Some of my family were here to celebrate with us, too.  IT was a joyous occasion for certain.  We are so truly blessed to have my mother, Betty Tisdale, still with us and showing us how strong and resilient she is!  And this is reminder that my mother is human and not as invincible as we would like her to be. 

April 15th, 2013...is a day I will never forget but would love to forget but cannot.  My daughter, Amanda, had a scheduled dinner date with my mother planned on that day.  Amanda was done with her appiontment in Fremont, the neighborhood next to Queen Anne where my mother lives, at 4:00pm.  She wanted to go back to her dorm at the University of Washington to get a few things and told me that she didn't want to have dinner that early.   I tried to convince her that we were already so close to Nonnie's ('grandmother' to all of her grandchildren) and that it would give them more time to visit. 

AND I was feeling guilty that I had not made any effort to see my mother in quite a long time.  My mother knows all about my private and personal ongoings in my life that I had gone into yet another deep depression.  So, when I go into a deep depression, I don't want to be around anyone, especially with my mother.  WHY would I not want to go and see my mother is unsettling.  She is my best friend, for goodness sakes!  I decided I would go into see her once we made the decision to take Amanda to my mother's.

After 10 minutes of going back and forth with Amanda about why she should skip going back to her dorm then taking the bus over to my mother's (another hour or more for time on the bus and arrival time to my mother's house from her dorm) and have me take her up to my mother's instead, I won the conversation.   Once we got there, Amanda called her Nonnie with no response.  Apparently, she tried to call my mother on her cell phone earlier and still had not gotten a phone call back.  My mother is very good at either answering the phone straight away or responding promptly if a message is left on her machine (yes, an actual and physical answering machine...a dinosaur aged gadget that was once popular!).

When we kept ringing the doorbell and knocking loudly on the door, she did not come to the door at all.  I asked Amanda to go and check to see if her little Mini Cooper was in her garage.  Amanda came back and said that Nonnie's car was indeed in the garage.  I kept knocking on the door and yelling out, "MOM!  Mom, are you there??!!"  AND not a sound.  I looked through her crotchet curtain on the window of her front door.  I could barely make out a body form on a chair next to her oblong china cabinet. 

I was frantic by now and did not want to alarm Amanda just yet.  I wasn't sure that it was my mother's body in there and if it was hers, was anyone in the house robbing her house and/or did something to her.  Okay, panic was rushing through me and I was sweating in fear right then.  I had Amanda go to the secret hiding place to get the key to her house.  We got in with Amanda following very closely behind me.  IT was NOT a sight I had ever imagine of seeing. 

IT was indeed my mother who was slumped over the chair with her left arm on the china cabinet and her head laying on top of her arm with vomit on the side of the cabinet.  Scared sh*t, I touched her gently and she did not move.  I shook her again and calling her name out loudly.  She opened her glazed eyes, eventually, but could not get her words out.  I had some hope that she was able to do more than open her eyes.  Amanda was also saying, "Nonnie, it's Amanda and Mommy....can you hear us?"  We continued to try to make some sense of what was happening as I have never seen my mother like this.

We called my sister, Kim and she came right away from her work - a mere 10 minute drive from downtown Seattle.  She was great even though she had ME clean up my mother's vomit.  I was pissed and yet uncontrollably in tears not knowing what was going to happen to my mother.  I stayed behind, reluctantly, to clean up the vomit as we had no idea how long it would be if we all went to the hospital and the smell of vomit over any long length of time would really smell disgusting.

The time frame that my mother was alone had to have been from 12pm noon (when my mother's best friend dropped her off from their weekly brunch) to 4:30pm (when Amanda and I arrived).  Had we NOT gotten there when Amanda and I did...we all shudder to think how much damage her stroke would have left her.

When I knelt down to clean up the vomit, I cried so much that I fogged up my glasses.  Yet, through the fogged glasses, I saw all the alcohol my mother has around in her kitchen and dining room.  I was SO tempted.

While the temptation to drink was staring me in the face, I fought HARD to keep these feelings from winning,  Deep inside inside I continue to feel that I am never going to amount to much even at the age of 47.  AND THIS always brings me down...very down!  My marriage, our finances, my struggles with my sobriety and etc. were overwhelming me.  I used drinking in the past to numb my feelings about them all.  Now that I am nearly 4 years sober, one would think it would be easier...not so.

The truth is that while I have been fighting these triggers that nearly made me relapse BIG time, I've had to face them once again...sober.  I detest these triggers allowing me to even think about drinking again.  Once again, the blaming, anger and frustrations started to take over my negative thinking and I could hear myself saying, "IF I could only have a drink to make me forget these feelings I have...just one drink....I'll be fine then." 

Red flag here!

I have been asked by many how did I get through April 15th and the oncoming days that lead up to today's wonderful and miraculous day without a drink.

Simply for me, I have three firm and  realistic reminders as to WHY I know I cannot pick up another drink.

1.  "I am powerless over alcohol" (1st Step in the 12 Steps in AA).
2.  My liver test results I received in October 2009 confirming I had damaged my liver so badly that I was so close to having Cirrhosis of the liver.
3.  AND I read often the "Letter from my Addiction" which I will re-post here to show how scared I am to drink ever again.
_______________________________________________________

"Letter From My Addiction"...


* This letter was given to all patients and myself at my first stay at an in-patient rehab here in Seattle, Washington in 2005.
Dear Friend,

I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.

I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.

It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.

The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.

And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul.

FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.


Faithfully yours,



Your addiction and drug of choice
________________________________________________________

Everyone has their way of dealing with life...a terrible disease like this alcohol addiction, stress, anger, frustrations and etc.  It is how we deal with them.  You have to be the one to decide WHO is in charge of your life.  You can listen to others - positive and negative ones.  But, ultimately YOU are the one living your life the way you choose it.  Once you believe in yourself and  are not influenced by others...you will find that sobriety can work for you when and ONLY WHEN  you accept your decision to DO something about your addiction.  There are so many friends and family who are my staunch supporters and love me, unconditionally and know that I have my hard days (like the ones previous to today and many more to come) that will remind me that good days are ahead only if I allow them to happen by staying sober...one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute a day (and this applies for so many newly in sobriety).

You can do it...and there is definitely hope for you if you are fighting sobriety.  IF I can do it, please know there is hope.  Believe in yourself and surround yourself with unconditional love and a positive outlook.

Even in my darkest days, I knew that there was a light of strength, hope and love waiting to get me through it all.  And this stroke my mother had....THIS was another reminder that LIFE is SHORT so we all need to find some way to make the best of it and tell show our loved ones how much they mean to them and to say those three simple words..."I LOVE YOU!".

Wishing my mother and all mothers a beautiful and wonderful rest of your Happy Mother's Day!

I  am so very lucky and blessed to have my beautiful and strong 90 year old mother still here with us.  I will not let another day go by without contacting her via in person, telephone call or e-mail...even if I go into a dark place again.

I love you so much Mom! 


















May 1st, 2013...my mother was discharged from the hospital!  My sister and  I watch and care for my mother 24/7 since her discharge, along with help from my daughter, Amanda, whenever she can.  I was ever so grateful to my brother and his wonderful family for helping me out last night giving me a night off to get rest!

With much gratitude and love from -

Lien

P.S.  My mother gave me permission to share about her stroke.  She said, "If you could get through this without drinking then I hope this helps others fighting this disease.  So, please, share about my stoke in your personal blog, Lien."

Happy New Year for 2013 !

 

2012 came and went before my very eyes! And, now we are already close to the end of the month of January 2013!  Amazing how time just flies.

What makes this moment wonderful is that I chose to stay sober yet for another holiday season...my fourth one!  AND it feels damn great!

In feeling better about myself and getting a grip on my alcoholism, this year I want to dedicate more time to writing here in my personal blog and get back to writing my book on my alcoholism.  I have procrastinated writing again due to my depression the last few months (continuing from my drinking years).  AND it has only gotten worse this past week.

I was once referred as to the character, 'Pig-Pen" from the Charlie Brown cartoon series ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pig-Pen) who has a cloud of dirt and dust that continually to follow him...even after getting cleaned up.

 (Photo courtesy of http://zenlifecoaching.net/2012/09/pigpens-cloud/)

AND that is exactly how I feel to this very day...I cannot seem to get rid of my cloud, except mine is dark. It seems that everything that could go wrong...has and this cloud continually follows me, too.  Although I wrote at the beginning of this entry how great I felt, well...it was true. The key word is 'was'.  I feel like I cannot breathe from this dark cloud I still have around me. 

As a result, I have wanted to drink over this.  Yes.  I said it.  I wanted to drink.

But, I won't.  AND I can't.  IF I were to pick up a drink now...it would not be just the one...there would be many to follow and once again, I would be that much closer to death than the last time I drank.  Alcoholics cannot have just one drink.  The addiction is cruel that way.  It wants more than just the one.  Therefore, I cannot drink.  And...thank goodness!

 I, recently, told a very close friend that so many things have been happening in my life and that I was depressed. Very depressed.  What I didn't tell this friend was that I truly wanted to sleep and not wake up.  Ever.  Yes, that is how badly I felt...so desperately wanting out.

BUT, I know that is not the answer. 

This is why I am writing here in my blog.  This is my safe haven and a place where I can let out all my feelings and feel better after I am done writing.

A quote/message that I have been seeing online is that "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."which has been resonating in my head and heart.

(Photo courtesy http://weheartit.com/entry/38647481?group=B&imgres=)

As I wrote to my friend of my depression, I didn't share what the 'problems' were.  But, I had in my mind all the people and circumstances of who I wanted to blame for my depression.  Right there and then, I knew I had to tell myself, "WHOAH, Lien!  You are not going to even go down that path...again!" 

I now realize that the blaming is a trigger for me to have a 'reason' to drink.  I do not want to go down that path.  I have too much to offer to waste my life away for selfish reasons of drinking.

What I needed to remind myself is that I do not need to please everyone to get ahead in life.  AND I do not need to sit on my pity pot.  I am tired of reliving the 'woes me' pathetic thinking.  It is a great disservice to friends and family around me...and to myself.  I have to believe that THERE is a reason for my being.  I want to give more in life instead of complaining about what I don't have...which is what I have been finding myself doing again...over and over.  This is like doing the 'two steps forward and one step back" routine that  I need to stop.

One thing that stays with me is...that one does not have to have money to give back.  It is through the heart, love and time that one can give of themselves.  Donations of monetary are always graciously welcomed.  But, it is truly having the compassion from the heart to give to another person who is less fortunate than yourself of your time.  And I am going to continue doing this as writing here has given me the inspiration to do so.

A wonderful positive thing that has happened in my life recently is that I have gone back to work part-time with my husband at our real estate office, Madison Partners Real Estate, in downtown Seattle.  It has been almost 2 weeks but it has been a wonderful productive partnership.  Getting back into the workforce has given me a new sense of responsibility and accountability that I lost at the end of my drinking days.

That strength I now have feels good as I know that is what was lacking in my existence in this world.  Not knowing where I belonged was the hardest part of overcoming my desire to drink.  I kept drinking because I really did not feel I belonged anywhere and thought I could drink that painful thought away.

Blaming is not healthy at all.  It only hurts you more than it does anyone else.  Yes, others hurt, too.  Hearing blame from a person who drinks daily and worse 24/7 stings the heart of the person receiving those unkind words.  I know.  I was that person not too long ago...3 years and 2 months ago to be exact.  As I look back on that and recently blaming once again recently, I KNOW that is not the path I want to visit again nor does the person receiving the blame deserves it....truly they do not. 

I have started writing daily affirmations to get my day started on a positive note.  The day may not always go as planned.  But, I have learned to adjust and not get upset as I have in the past.  Life goes on...it is up to you to react in a mature and graceful way as it benefits the heart and mind. 

Don't get me wrong...I am not always going to be this way because it is human nature to be upset and sad.  But, again...I am choosing to take it all in stride and try my utmost to be positive and to lighten my heart by not getting so upset that I lose focus on my health and mind. 

Life is too short as we continue to see on a daily basis...via news, social media and etc.

This entry has lighten my heart, lessen my anger and rid of the blaming.  Therefore, I am thankful for this kind of thinking and writing that gives me another day of sobriety, hope and continued acceptance of life whatever it decides to send my way.

Always remember that you are important and that it is ultimately up to you to decide what you want out of life...not what you want or expect people and events to give to you.  Life does not work that way.  I learned that the hard way.

Remember to smile, love and to be kind to one another (the latter is courtesy of Ellen DeGeneres)... :-)