(a few tears roll down my cheeks as I write this blog entry right now)
I was able to celebrate this special day with my 90 year old mother who had a stroke on April 15th, 2013 and has recovered miraculously well. Exceedingly well, that is! Some of my family were here to celebrate with us, too. IT was a joyous occasion for certain. We are so truly blessed to have my mother, Betty Tisdale, still with us and showing us how strong and resilient she is! And this is reminder that my mother is human and not as invincible as we would like her to be.
April 15th, 2013...is a day I will never forget but would love to forget but cannot. My daughter, Amanda, had a scheduled dinner date with my mother planned on that day. Amanda was done with her appiontment in Fremont, the neighborhood next to Queen Anne where my mother lives, at 4:00pm. She wanted to go back to her dorm at the University of Washington to get a few things and told me that she didn't want to have dinner that early. I tried to convince her that we were already so close to Nonnie's ('grandmother' to all of her grandchildren) and that it would give them more time to visit.
AND I was feeling guilty that I had not made any effort to see my mother in quite a long time. My mother knows all about my private and personal ongoings in my life that I had gone into yet another deep depression. So, when I go into a deep depression, I don't want to be around anyone, especially with my mother. WHY would I not want to go and see my mother is unsettling. She is my best friend, for goodness sakes! I decided I would go into see her once we made the decision to take Amanda to my mother's.
After 10 minutes of going back and forth with Amanda about why she should skip going back to her dorm then taking the bus over to my mother's (another hour or more for time on the bus and arrival time to my mother's house from her dorm) and have me take her up to my mother's instead, I won the conversation. Once we got there, Amanda called her Nonnie with no response. Apparently, she tried to call my mother on her cell phone earlier and still had not gotten a phone call back. My mother is very good at either answering the phone straight away or responding promptly if a message is left on her machine (yes, an actual and physical answering machine...a dinosaur aged gadget that was once popular!).
When we kept ringing the doorbell and knocking loudly on the door, she did not come to the door at all. I asked Amanda to go and check to see if her little Mini Cooper was in her garage. Amanda came back and said that Nonnie's car was indeed in the garage. I kept knocking on the door and yelling out, "MOM! Mom, are you there??!!" AND not a sound. I looked through her crotchet curtain on the window of her front door. I could barely make out a body form on a chair next to her oblong china cabinet.
I was frantic by now and did not want to alarm Amanda just yet. I wasn't sure that it was my mother's body in there and if it was hers, was anyone in the house robbing her house and/or did something to her. Okay, panic was rushing through me and I was sweating in fear right then. I had Amanda go to the secret hiding place to get the key to her house. We got in with Amanda following very closely behind me. IT was NOT a sight I had ever imagine of seeing.
IT was indeed my mother who was slumped over the chair with her left arm on the china cabinet and her head laying on top of her arm with vomit on the side of the cabinet. Scared sh*t, I touched her gently and she did not move. I shook her again and calling her name out loudly. She opened her glazed eyes, eventually, but could not get her words out. I had some hope that she was able to do more than open her eyes. Amanda was also saying, "Nonnie, it's Amanda and Mommy....can you hear us?" We continued to try to make some sense of what was happening as I have never seen my mother like this.
We called my sister, Kim and she came right away from her work - a mere 10 minute drive from downtown Seattle. She was great even though she had ME clean up my mother's vomit. I was pissed and yet uncontrollably in tears not knowing what was going to happen to my mother. I stayed behind, reluctantly, to clean up the vomit as we had no idea how long it would be if we all went to the hospital and the smell of vomit over any long length of time would really smell disgusting.
The time frame that my mother was alone had to have been from 12pm noon (when my mother's best friend dropped her off from their weekly brunch) to 4:30pm (when Amanda and I arrived). Had we NOT gotten there when Amanda and I did...we all shudder to think how much damage her stroke would have left her.
When I knelt down to clean up the vomit, I cried so much that I fogged up my glasses. Yet, through the fogged glasses, I saw all the alcohol my mother has around in her kitchen and dining room. I was SO tempted.
While the temptation to drink was staring me in the face, I fought HARD to keep these feelings from winning, Deep inside inside I continue to feel that I am never going to amount to much even at the age of 47. AND THIS always brings me down...very down! My marriage, our finances, my struggles with my sobriety and etc. were overwhelming me. I used drinking in the past to numb my feelings about them all. Now that I am nearly 4 years sober, one would think it would be easier...not so.
The truth is that while I have been fighting these triggers that nearly made me relapse BIG time, I've had to face them once again...sober. I detest these triggers allowing me to even think about drinking again. Once again, the blaming, anger and frustrations started to take over my negative thinking and I could hear myself saying, "IF I could only have a drink to make me forget these feelings I have...just one drink....I'll be fine then."
Red flag here!
I have been asked by many how did I get through April 15th and the oncoming days that lead up to today's wonderful and miraculous day without a drink.
Simply for me, I have three firm and realistic reminders as to WHY I know I cannot pick up another drink.
1. "I am powerless over alcohol" (1st Step in the 12 Steps in AA).
2. My liver test results I received in October 2009 confirming I had damaged my liver so badly that I was so close to having Cirrhosis of the liver.
3. AND I read often the "Letter from my Addiction" which I will re-post here to show how scared I am to drink ever again.
_______________________________________________________
"Letter From My Addiction"...
* This letter was given to all patients and myself at my first stay at an in-patient rehab here in Seattle, Washington in 2005.
Dear Friend,
I've come to visit once again. I love to see you suffer mentally physically spiritually and socially. I want to have you restless so you can never relax. I want you jumpy and nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated and irritable so everything and everybody makes you uncomfortable. I want you to be depressed and confused so that you can't think clearly or positively. I want to make you hate everything and everybody-especially yourself. I want you to feel guilty and remorseful for the the things you have done in the past that you'll never be able to let go. I want to make you angry and hateful toward the world for the way it is and the way you are. I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everything but your addiction for the way things are. I want you to be deceitful and untrustworthy, and to manipulate and con as many people as possible. I want to make you fearful and paranoid for no reason at all and I want you to wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me. You know you can't sleep without me; I'm even in your dreams.
I want to be the first thing you wake up to every morning and the last thing you touch before you black out. I would rather kill you, but I'll be happy enough if I can put you back in the hospital, another institution or jail. But you know that I'll still be waiting for you when you come out. I love to watch you slowly going insane. I love to see all the physical damage that I'm causing you. I can't help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake, when you freeze and sweat at the same time, when you wake up with your sheets and blankets soaking wet.
It's amazing how much destruction I can do to your internal organs while at the same time, work on your brain, destroying it bit by bit. I deeply appreciate how much you sacrifice for me.
The countless good jobs you have sacrificed for me. All the fine friends that you deeply cared for-you gave them up for me. And what's more, for the ones you turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions-I am more than grateful.
And especially your loved ones, your family, and the most important people in the world to you. You even threw them away for me. I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me. You sacrificed all these beautiful things in your life just to devote yourself completely to me. But do not despair my friend, for on me you can always depend. For after you have lost all these things, you can still depend on me to take even more. You can depend on me to keep you in living hell, to keep your mind, body and soul.
FOR I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD, MY FRIEND.
Faithfully yours,
Your addiction and drug of choice
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Everyone has their way of dealing with life...a terrible disease like this alcohol addiction, stress, anger, frustrations and etc. It is how we deal with them. You have to be the one to decide WHO is in charge of your life. You can listen to others - positive and negative ones. But, ultimately YOU are the one living your life the way you choose it. Once you believe in yourself and are not influenced by others...you will find that sobriety can work for you when and ONLY WHEN you accept your decision to DO something about your addiction. There are so many friends and family who are my staunch supporters and love me, unconditionally and know that I have my hard days (like the ones previous to today and many more to come) that will remind me that good days are ahead only if I allow them to happen by staying sober...one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute a day (and this applies for so many newly in sobriety).
You can do it...and there is definitely hope for you if you are fighting sobriety. IF I can do it, please know there is hope. Believe in yourself and surround yourself with unconditional love and a positive outlook.
Even in my darkest days, I knew that there was a light of strength, hope and love waiting to get me through it all. And this stroke my mother had....THIS was another reminder that LIFE is SHORT so we all need to find some way to make the best of it and tell show our loved ones how much they mean to them and to say those three simple words..."I LOVE YOU!".
Wishing my mother and all mothers a beautiful and wonderful rest of your Happy Mother's Day!
I am so very lucky and blessed to have my beautiful and strong 90 year old mother still here with us. I will not let another day go by without contacting her via in person, telephone call or e-mail...even if I go into a dark place again.
I love you so much Mom!
May 1st, 2013...my mother was discharged from the hospital! My sister and I watch and care for my mother 24/7 since her discharge, along with help from my daughter, Amanda, whenever she can. I was ever so grateful to my brother and his wonderful family for helping me out last night giving me a night off to get rest!
With much gratitude and love from -
Lien
P.S. My mother gave me permission to share about her stroke. She said, "If you could get through this without drinking then I hope this helps others fighting this disease. So, please, share about my stoke in your personal blog, Lien."
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