May 16th, 2021 (Sunday)

  The end of the week and weekend with the warm temperatures upper 60's/mid 70's made it difficult to be comfortable. But, I will definitely take over being at home then at the hospital. Let's just say this lady here does not do well in hot weather, in addition to fighting cancer. I am soooo tired.

  My schedule has become like being an actual patient in the hospital again (and again!). Every 4 hours, I take pain medication of one sort and then' flush' out the feeding tube. These are well-orchestrated and precise for sanitation purposes. Hands MUST BE washed at all times when doing these 4 hour increments of scheduling. I like to pretend I am in 'Grey's Anatomy'  (Seattle is the featured location in the show!) or some medical show. I wish. Or do I?? Hmmm.

 There are so many support groups and a lot of sharing that either depresses me further or unknowingly uplifts me (even for a few mere minutes). It is amazing how many types of sharing, types of cancer and etc. Just AMAZING. How we all deal with each cancer that we are challenged with truly brings out the opportunity to find ways to deal with them in a positive way, in my humble opinion. 

 I blurted out today to Damon "LIFE isn't fair!". His response was "Why, yes m'dear that is so TRUE." It is not up to me to say that life has to be fair. Life doesn't work that way. We DEAL with it the best we can. This is not the time to wallow in my own pity or request it be fair. I keep fighting this daily, to be honest. WHO am I to ask that life be fair? As I read what I have just written, I should be ashamed of myself. I talk the talk but not walk the walk which is not how I want to be or be a reflection of the opposite of my positiveness. Back up and press START OVER.

 I am so glad I can be honest with you all and own up to my words that need to be corrected. You deserve HONESTY from me. I have messed up too many relationships because of my bullish*t and have had to clean up my messes & friendships over the years, decades and etc.

 The photos I am including in this entry are ones I want to share with you all so that you have an idea of what needs to be changed every 4 hours. As much I dread it, the process has to be done or I will not heal. I can't complain about it or it will not heal. Team work has been crucial. And I can actually do some of the flushing on my own! 

Damon has been getting the hang of the routine! Thank you, Damon!!

This is the last thing I see before I fall asleep. Every night.

PLEASE...I apologize for being repetitive on my subject matter in each blog entry but the pain medication is taking affect on my typing here. So, I better wrap up this entry soon. 

  When I am able to write in my blog, it's because I have access to my computer which is so much better for my typing. I love writing and typing. I hope to start sooner on the typing but we will see how I am feeling after the radiation tomorrow. I love the fact that I am inside cooling off with the fan running and looking outside at the hot weather. Stepped outside a few times this afternoon. OH MY! It's quite warm. Feeling great but feel bad for those who don't have access to fans or shaded areas around their house to keep the inside cooled down.

 Thank you so much for being a part of this crazy but important journey. You are all so special to me. I love you all more...each and everyday.

With love and much gratitude! 💗 

Liennie

This is how I honestly feel every night as it hurts to see my loved ones care for me and watch me in such excruciating pain. 😢 But, I will prevail.