May 22nd, 2021 (Saturday) 

 Frustration is the biggest issue I am dealing with right now. The sense of not having things in my own control has finally arrived on my front door steps. And this is not sitting well with me, not at all. I am now seeing a domino effect happening that I need to nip in the bud or else, my sanity will be seriously questioned.

"This is all temporary" is what I hear all the time now.

Too many things are changing all at once and my head is spinning. This is why I have not written in awhile. All week was half filled of appointments with various doctors to help me stay in the same lane and to try not to let this all get to me. I still cannot say enough about the medical team I have been working with from the beginning. 

  The most noticeable changes have been the increase in my lack of patience and saying things that is out of character for me to say (almost offensive in a negative way which is not like me at all). Patience is something I took pride in and lately, I have been ashamed. 

(Picking up from last week)

May 30th, 2021.

  Time sure flies. Every time I want to write in my blog, I am set to do it, but then start to fall asleep. And then I tell myself, I'll write in it 'tomorrow'. No such luck. Sigh. The same thing happens the very next day.

  Oh! Last Tuesday, I had the most amazing and beautiful moment I experienced with another cancer patient at the cancer treatment center! I noticed a woman had tears streaming down her cheeks. A caregiver - not sure if she was a daughter or niece or what relationship she had with the patient - sat next to her and trying to talk things over with her. As my friend pushed me in my wheelchair (Used a wheelchair due to all the pain medication I am taking) from the radiation side of the lobby to head towards the chemo side of the lobby, our eyes locked as she and I shared a special moment of "We are WARRIORS and WE WILL get through this!" And then she winked at me. That is one special moment I will never forget.

  I could feel my mama right there telling me that we are in this together, too and that she would always be here with me in spirit. What I would give to get a hug from her right now. I loved her hugs.

  Earlier last week I had to go the ER due to my stepping on the feeding tube cord. No idea how long the cord was but the little bulb that helps to prevent infection popped out - not all the way, luckily. We made it just in time to the ER! Otherwise, we would have had to have the entire feeding tube redone completely. Thank goodness! And another new surgery would have put us quite a bit behind schedule on the treatment plan which we cannot afford. 

  Swallowing pills is still very difficult. Cutting then on the pill cutter hasn't seemed to work or we are not cutting small enough. So frustrating. I tried to swallow the pills with applesauce (and other soft foods) which worked at the beginning but not anymore. Sigh. Will keep figuring out what to do here. Just requested a smoothie. It went down at first but then the throat started to hurt again. This is no easy task to come up with a solution. However, I WILL find a way.

  I am still not able to eat solid foods - going on 4 months. Well, I did try a piece of toast a week or so ago but it was a VERY SMALL piece. It went down okay which was very surprising. But, no other solid food since then. Crossing my fingers that will change...someday down the road.

  I have not ventured out much, except to do doctor's appointments or meeting up with the medical team for my chemo and radiation. I get so tired by the end of the week that I don't have energy to do much to do anything else but sleep. I am hardly even on any social media which is unlike me. I just don't want to make any typos while on social media. So, I might as well stay off of it as much as possible to avoid the mistakes. This saddens me big time as I feel I am missing out on outings with my family and friends or connecting with them on social media. 

  We are having a very quiet Memorial Day BBQ with my family but told them to please excuse me if I have to leave the backyard to go to bed with the heating pad which I have to nearly use everyday as my back aches like h*ll. 

  During the periodic small pity party I throw myself, I know that life could be worse and that it is still beautiful. For instance, there is this plant that I could not for the life of me figure which one it is and finally got a photo of it when it started to blossom. I have an app on my phone that helps identify plants and flowers. And, when I saw the blossoms and the fragrance, I was in luck in finding out what plant it is! Jasminum Polyanthum (Pink Jasmine)! https://www.monrovia.com/pink-jasmine.html

  I clearly remember now buying it after I saw this plant out on one of my photography sessions. I just HAD to have it to help build up my wildlife habitat garden in my backyard. Glad I remembered the app to help me identify it. 

  One of my brothers brought a beautiful planter for my garden! It fits in nicely with the rest of the lovely garden! Wouldn't you agree? 

Nature has had a profound impact on my attitude in life. I always remember to take to time to absorb nature because it sure is medicinal! 

With much love and gratitude,

Liennie