April 25th, 2021

(This headlight with the eyelashes cracked me up every time I would see this out on my walk in Shoreline - the simple things that makes me appreciate life all the more!)

  This Esophageal cancer is the third life changing event that has made a huge and permanent impact in my life.

  The first one (not by choice) was being adopted by parents in America at the age of 4. My adoptive father had 5 boys of his own from his first marriage. My adoptive mother wanted to even up the family by adopting 5 girls from Vietnam. I kid you not! We girls were adopted at different times. However, one of my sisters (not biological) was brought to the United States when I came here in 1970 and we were adopted at the same time. Our three other sisters were not biological, too.

  The second one (by choice) was getting sober on October 6th, 2009. As I go into my 12th year of (alcohol) sobriety, I think about how my life has drastically changed for the better. Had I not gotten sober in 2009, I promise you this...I would not be here writing this blog. I would have died from Cirrhosis of the liver.  I was pretty much writing my own death sentence at the rate I was drinking. The 24/7 drinking was getting out of hand. I am so thankful to finally get sober. Unfortunately, it took me to hit rock bottom (no one was hurt in any physical capacity - unbearable to think had that been the case) to realize that I HAD TO get sober.

  The third one (not by choice) is the situation I am in right now with the Esophageal cancer. Diagnosed on March 29th, 2021, this has been THE hardest life changing experience I have ever faced. I found this poem which is so appropriate for how we really need this daily reminder that each moment is indeed precious; a time to, especially, hug your loved ones when physically able AND to say "I love you" to those we love dearly - every chance we can get.

Each Moment Is Precious

by Pat A. Fleming

Live in the moment,

Just take it all in.
Pay attention to everything,
Right there and right then.

Don’t let your mind wander
To what’s coming next.
Cherish this moment
And give it your best.

Don’t let tomorrow
Make you rush through today,
Or too many great moments
Will just go to waste.

And the person you’re with,
In that moment you share,
Give them all of your focus;
Be totally there.

Laugh till it hurts,
Let the tears drop.
Fill up each moment
With all that you’ve got.

Don’t miss the details;
The lesson is there.
Don’t get complacent;
Stay sharp and aware.

It can take but a moment
To change your life’s path.
And once it ticks by,
There is no going back.

In just 60 seconds,
You may make a new friend.
Find your true love,
Or see a life start or end.

You become who you are
In those moments you live.
And the growth’s not in taking
But in how much you give.

Life is just moments,
So precious and few.
Whether valued or squandered,
It’s all up to you!

  Oh my goodness, I thought getting sober was tough. 

  Food has been one of the biggest changes and challenges in this journey. I haven't been able to eat solid food for over 2 months now. It has been reduced to just nearly an all liquid diet of Ensure (chocolate), drinkable yogurt and lots of Amanda's delicious smoothies! I ventured out to eating very thin slices of square cut Tillamook Medium Applewood cheddar cheese. It has been a successful venture!

  Savory food has been something I have been craving lately. Done with sweet liquid food, ie. Ensure. Damon suggested the small container of Pacific Foods' Roasted Red Bell Pepper & Tomato soup we had in one of the kitchen cupboards. Oh my goodness! It was delicious!  I need to remember to drink things slowly because if I don't, it will hurt like heck. But, that soup was so good! Pre-cancer drinking days seem like it was just yesterday. Not a worry in the world. Sadly, it just isn't the same now. Sigh. A sign of how things are starting to change for my new normal now.

  It is important for me to stay in the present instead of being worried about tomorrow. That was one of my flaws. I would be constantly worried what was going to happen tomorrow. So, tonight I focus on what I need to eat tonight to keep those calories going in my system to get ready for the radiation and chemo next week. Damon has been reading on a Facebook group page for Esophageal cancer caregivers caring for their loved ones about ideas for dinner meals, especially for those who are wanting more savory meals which was mentioned here.

  I have a set schedule which I don't always adhere to which then messes with my sleep pattern. It would be a great night if I can even get two 3 hours of sleep in between the every four hours to take my pain medication which consists of wearing a 72 hour patch; 7.5 ml of another pain medication and now have just added liquid Tylenol. 

  The change in pain medication has been trying as we are hoping to get onto schedule that will work throughout this next 6 weeks of radiation (5 days a week - Monday through Friday) and chemo (once a week only). I would rather not share what pain medication as being judged for taking two pain medications that can be addictive, especially with my past alcohol addiction. My oncologist and I are on the same page on this pain medication decision making. This has been a thorough process to make sure that addiction is not a huge worry with the oncologist's advice and professionalism. I have every confidence in my oncologist and his awesome team.

  This is my first night in awhile to not be so doggone tired which would lead me to not being able to finish a blog entry. It sure feels GREAT! 

(04/26/2020) That didn't go as planned...got TIRED anyway! lol

Fast forward to today (04/28/2021 at 6:54pm). I got my 2nd vaccine shot today. It made so sleepy when I got home after the vaccine visit. All I wanted to do was go straight to bed and sleep. I have a hard time sleeping during the daytime. But, this time, I just REALLY wanted to sleep. However, I forgot to do something I was supposed to do when I got home. That was supposed to change my pain medication patch which is supposed to be changed every 72 hours to freshen the pain medication location. 

  Thank goodness that Damon reminded us that I was supposed to have a fresh patch put on my body but in a new location on my body. Not sure how long this is supposed to continue. But, I sure hope it's done SOON. I am tired of all this pain medicine yet I know this is helping me to get through the excruciating pain I experience all day and evening. The pain is similar to dealing with heartburn but three times that amount and sadly takes longer to subdue that it finally becomes tolerable. May I ask where that saying "No pain, no gain" originated?? Thankfully, Damon or Amanda wake me up twice in the middle of the night to take my pain medication. However, I try to remember to set up the alarm for both times so they can both get their sleep. They both work full-time jobs. It's the least I can do for them! 💗

  Back to the 2nd vaccine shot done earlier today. Damon and I got there early in hopes they would get in early. And luckily, the schedule seemed to be light over there! Damon and I were elated! As I am waiting to get the shot, the nurse giving the shot was so talkative and shared a lot in the short amount of time it took to put the needle in my arm and taking me to get seated in the recovery area (15 minutes before you are allowed to leave just to make sure you are safe to leave). I thought I talked a lot! But, I knew this nurse needed to talk. So, I listened intently. She asked me questions about my experience so far with the esophageal cancer and how was it determined that I had the cancer. I told her that I only just found out since March 29th, 2021. She was in awe how positive my attitude has been with the cancer and its effects it has had on me and my family. I told her that being a 11 year sober-free from alcohol it affects the entire family when I was drowning in my addiction. Well, the cancer is very similar to the addiction. The entire family and other loved ones are greatly affected by it. Therefore, once sobriety comes to be a reality, it brings families back together in a more positive way once the trust is established and you really want to re-establish that family unit (which I badly wanted but knew I had to work hard at it which has paid off!). 

While I was in the recovery room, ten minutes later the nurse came looking for me to chat a few minutes more. It was a slow period for the vaccination shots and she seemed to want to talk more freely. I thought that was so sweet! In the room where I got my shot from her earlier, she told me she wished we were neighbors so that we can chat A LOT more. What a wonderful compliment. Sure made my day!

  Before I forget, I spoke with one of the nurses for my oncologist regarding my weight loss before radiation begins next week. She said that I would need to get a Covid test and most likely need to be on a feeding tube (yep, sadly. 😢) before radiation begins next week. This will be my 3rd Covid test! Ugh.

  All right. My tired body is calling it a night. Wishing you all a lovely rest of your Wednesday evening. I feel like this is a Sunday night.

 Take care all! Love to you all! 💗

- Liennie 

 

 

  

April 22nd, 2021

(Seeing the beautiful Moon made my night here before I retire for the evening!)

  I had so much to share tonight but am finding it hard to do it due to a change in the pain medication. Please be patient and bear with me as I try to write as much as I can before falling asleep here at my computer.

  The radiologist and oncologist have put me on a much stronger pain medication that is starting to take effect on me in the last half hour. We have switched from liquid pain medication to patches that lasts 72 hours between changes of the old patch and replacing it with a new one. There are 5 patches. And if this one doesn't work, we will try another pain medication until we get the pain under better management. This has been so frustrating as I don't want the insurance company to think I am a 'drug addict'. Dr. Marzbani and his team have been so wonderful, supportive and understanding. And they have been in constant contact with my insurance company which I know is their job. But, knowing they are looking out for my health and sanity makes feel good.

  Tomorrow is the day of going into Radiology to get fitted for the accuracy of where the radiation will be placed during each session. My biggest worry is staying absolutely still during this procedure. I cannot screw up by making any move. This is the biggest reason for the change in pain medication. In order to stay still and not experience excruciating pain laying straight on my back, this medication was carefully chosen to make sure that the strength and endurance of the medication helps me throughout the entire 30 minutes of laying on my back. Timing and accuracy were key to making this a successful procedure tomorrow. 

  My hat is off to everyone on Dr. Marzbani's team! Thank you all so much!

  It is absolutely great to have my daughter here to help me with certain things I cannot do until after Chemo and Radiation. Rest has been on HIGH on the list which is NOT easy for me. Thank God for Amanda! Her endless smiles, hugs, comforting words and just knowing she is in the other room while I rest in my bedroom.

  As many who know me, being cared for is not easy for me to accept. I have to say that I am getting better at accepting AND asking for help. I try to not ask for help too much. I am one lucky mama here!

  Amanda made a lovely dinner but sadly I was not able to eat it. But, dang, her dinner smelled SOOOOO GOOD! It was a stuffing, chicken and vegetable casserole dish. I broke down in tears and just let the tears flow. Amanda has become such a wonderful cook! Will try it another time. 

  Ugh. I need to go as the medicine is making me nauseous. I did get some flower photos while I was out on a quick walk around the block in my neighborhood.

  Please send prayers for a successful day tomorrow! Thank you!!

  Much love to you all! 💗

  

April 20th, 2021

(This is another favorite flower, Cherry blossoms, that makes me smile and bring me such joy!)

  It is hard to believe that it is almost a month since my diagnosis with esophageal cancer was shared with my husband and me on March 29th, 2021 after the endoscopy procedure to do two biopsies on that date. I have had procedures and scans one after another. But that word 'cancer' still had not registered into my reality until today.

  I realized that my world has changed dramatically and drastically. Appointments and information are constantly added, changed or updated with some of my knowledge and some without. It could be that my daughter, Amanda, has been staying on top of all my online My Chart medical accounts that are all connected with one another. Or perhaps, the appointments were made and I don't remember as I am on pain medication every 4 hours. And with the increasing of the pain, the medication dosage has been amped a little more. Damon made me realize that I cannot drive my car for a good while I am under the influence of narcotics/pain medication. 

  Through this journey, I love that I am learning so much when it comes to my personal life and the constant changes, whether I like them or not, that are truly making me appreciate life all the more. You hear all the time "don't ever take life or family & friends for granted". This is all so true!

  Spending time with my family more and more over the last week or so, I look at my children and husband and am in awe how much we have grown closer. We spend more quality time with each other. I remember all the Tisdale family gatherings were becoming (at least for me they were) mundane and did not enjoy them as many would end up in huge fights. That is what many families go through during the holiday gatherings or other special get togethers.

  My doctor (the one before the one I have currently) told me about this anti-depressant medication that she highly recommended. I said to myself, "What the heck? Why not give it a try, Liennie?". It took two weeks to kick in and I was a totally different person. My outlook on life was more positive and respect for others in a humane & compassionate way was becoming more and more of my new personality. I have always wanted to help others but there is more genuine. Not that I wasn't genuine before, but I could FEEL things for a change. 

  My relationships with Damon, Amanda and Jack have been improving over the years. And I have been loving every step of the way. Oh how I love my family!

  And then I thought about my siblings I had a falling out with for years. I did not like the feeling of estrangement and anger still lingering. It was then that I decided that I wanted to make amends with them. This happened well before being diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It is better late than never. And this couldn't have happened at a better time than this past year. I was tired of the anger and blaming which caused me to drink and then falling out with family members (and friends). It is so uplifting to let it go...let go of the anger, resentment and pettiness (on my part).

  When I finally let go of all the negativity, I directed that negative towards my love for photography and starting up a Little Free Pantry in my neighborhood that helps community members with the need of food of those who were/still are struggling. I wasn't looking for accolades. I truly wanted to find a way to pay it forward which I have shared many times before. I apologize for the repetition here. I am feeling so proud to be a part of a community effort to uplift others' spirits.

  Although I have had challenges in my life, I have also had a wonderful life that many can't have/haven't been able to have. This is why I say I will not take life for granted.

  I said at the beginning that I am just starting to see that life needs to be respected, people you encounter need to be respected and your loved ones need the respect they deserve. I say this all now because as I make closer steps to getting the chemo and radiation sessions set up, I know that I have the fight of my life and I cannot do without you all in my life...near and far away.

  Today, Amanda and I met my radiologist for the first time to get to know one another and to get ready for this Friday's Simulation Appointment. This appointment will be to set up the markings of where they are going to do the radiation near the esophagus.

  Will share more information on Friday. No appointments until then! TWO whole days off from any other appointments. Time to truly rest up and get some energy for the chemo and radiation. I am still planning to shave my head off completely. 

   Life is too short. Enjoy your time with your loved ones as much as possible. And tell them while hugging how much they mean to you! You are so loved and are deserving of love. 

  Again, thank you all for being a part of my life and going with me on this challenging chapter in my life's journey. Each one of you mean the world to me!

  Have a beautiful day! 🙏

April 17th, 2021

(This is one of my favorite Tulip photos that always brings me a smile!)

  This has been ONE heck of a busy week with doctor's appointments and procedures. Last night I was so exhausted that I collapsed and went to bed early. And by early, I mean 7pm. I did not want to talk to anyone nor communicate via social media nor the cell phone. My voice is getting hoarse which is annoying because I love to chat but felt I simply couldn't get my words out.

  Thursday's appointments were a tad bit crazy. But, Friday (yesterday) could almost top Thursday!! On the way home from the excruciating PET scan around 3:30pm, a text came across my phone reminding me of an appointment for April 16th, 2021 (Friday, the NEXT day). I'm thinking that I don't recall having made an appointment for Friday for any procedure. I reply to the text asking what procedure? Then I call Amanda and ask her about the appointment. She said she swore we had discussed about this procedure. It's another endoscopy procedure with an ultrasound which will give us a better idea if it is Stage 2/3 or Stage 4. Oh boy, my head is spinning!

I would have definitely remembered that this appointment was made when she told me it was scheduled for *7:30am* the next day! I am not typically a morning person. This was scheduled to be at the University Hospital  where I had the short lived appointment with the Thoracic surgeon on Thursday (the one where the doctor was late). Sigh.

  I looked all over my notes on My Chart - an online portal for all hospitals and doctors/nurses who are signed up on this. I did not see ANY notes about pre-appointment instructions. Thank goodness that we arrived 20 minutes early. When we arrived at the front desk, we were told that we were to go to admitting to get registered before the procedure because it involves anesthesia. Luckily, all my medical information and updates were already on file. That UW Hospital is similar to a maze! We got registered, my medical band was placed on my right wrist and off we were BACK to the Endoscopy Department.

  The gown was laying on the bed with those comfy soft spa-like socks right next to it. I promptly put them on me without being instructed to do so. The nurse came in and had a big smile. "You have done this before, right?" I told the nurse that I just had one done on March 29th when I was diagnosed with Esophageal cancer. 

  I remember as I was about to go under from the anesthesia, there were folks filing into my room. Originally, there was the one doctor, the anesthesiologist, the nurse and the technician. As three other folks were coming and putting on their clinical gowns, another person came in before the procedure was to begin. I said to them all "I see you all got my memo that the party is IN HERE." They laughed. 

...3...2...1... BOOM! Lien IS OUT!

  Okay, side note here. This staying on top of my pain and medication exhausts me more and more each day. I am falling asleep here. But, I need to stay awake because Amanda has just landed at the airport!! 

  It's so hard to find a good time of the day to share my daily journey with you all. I am tired ALL the time. I worry what I might say under the influence of the pain medication. Hmmm...

  So in all honesty, I only mentioned that Friday could top Thursday's schedule, that was really not a fair assessment. It was only the going to Admissions to get registered that I thought was going to make Friday a doozy of a day. It wasn't all that bad. Really. We got through Friday...finally.

  A wonderful thing happened to me today. A number of my fellow photographers on the KOMO News Legion of Zoom came together to gift me some of the remarkable and beautiful photos to hang on my walls in my bedroom to bring me peace, love and tranquility. This is what I love and cherish. A place where I can escape from the crazy world of doctor's appointments and any upcoming chemo and/or radiation appointments. I am not looking forward to what is ahead of me. But, I am going to do my darnedest to fight the cancer and come up the winner each time. 

  Thinking of how damned lucky I am to have such wonderful friends and family who are all rooting for me...THANK YOU! I cannot stop thanking you all the time. So get used to me thank you ALL the time!! 

YOU. GUYS. ROCK. !!!

  Signing off for the evening. I want to spend time with Amanda and Damon before I head to bed. This pain is getting ridiculous. I truly am looking forward to my appointment with Dr. 'Eddie' Marzbani tomorrow to figure out what the treatment plan will be. I don't know how much longer I can withstand this pain. 

The pain is that BAD. 

Good night. 

April 15th, 2021 (Thursday)

(Looking forward to hanging famous local photographer and friend Sigma Sreedharan's photo of the Cherry blossoms at the University of Washington Campus 2021)

  It is amazing how dates become a gentle reminder of an event that you chose to be special on the same day you are having esophageal cancer related appointments. My Little Free Pantry Judkins Park turned one year old today! Sadly, I could not celebrate with the visitors, donors and my community earlier today. The positive is that we will celebrate on Saturday when I will have a break from appointments and have an opportunity to catch my breath. What a whirlwind three weeks this esophageal cancer has been. Yet, I chose to see that life is still beautiful. 🙏💜

  Luckily, I have a friend/coordinator who has offered to help get the pantry ready to celebrate its first birthday special occasion this Saturday! I will order some cupcakes, some treats for treat bags, balloons and bubble bottles for the kids and the adults with young hearts. 😀

  Today was a day of appointments. The first one was to meet the surgeon, Dr. Farhood Farjah and his assistant at the UW Hospital on NE Pacific Avenue and off 15th Avenue NE. Unfortunately, Dr. Farjah was running very late and I had to get to the next appointment, a PET scan at the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance on Eastlake (a 30 minute ordeal with traffic, getting a parking garage ticket, checking me in at the front desk and have me calm for the appointment). Damon was getting visibly upset because he did not want us to miss my PET scan as he knew how important this appointment was. What we didn't realize was that the appointment was not the ultrasound that we were lead to believe. That appointment is tomorrow. 

  I definitely need to write this all down in a notebook. Although, Amanda has an online calendar set up for all my doctor appointments. I am so blessed to have her as she is so organized and doesn't miss a thing. Thank God!

  The appointment with Dr. Farjah allotted us 40 minutes for the visit. BUT, he was running late and could only give us 15 minutes so that we would not miss the appointment at the Eastlake Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. He went over the surgery information IF we were to have it later down the road. It sounded like Chemo and Radiation were the first and foremost to get started once we all get the results from today's PET scan. Dang! That appointment was a doozy! 

  I am claustrophobic and was not warned that I would be in this machine for 15 minutes with NO breaks. My back was hurting so bad but didn't want to say anything or complain. I had to grin and bear it...right through the whole thing with tears rolling down my face. It was frigging painful all over. 

Once we were done, I got up to go to the bathroom and could not hold back the tears of pain and the fear of claustrophobia. I was glad to get home right after (this appointment lasted 3 hours). Good thing I stopped drinking 11 years ago! Or else I would not be typing today's blog entry.

  Back to the short 15 minutes given to us by Dr. Farjah, he explained a little about the esophagus and the stomach areas. If things didn't get better after Chemo and Radiation, surgery was going to be our last resort. This is the understanding I got. I will ask my oncologist, Dr. Marzbani, on Monday, April 19th about it. I think I better start using the video notes that Amanda told me about - a feature on my cell phone. This was a day of just being overwhelmed with all that information throughout the day.

  I am going to bed early as I have a 7:30am appointment at the UWMC Endoscopy to have another endoscopy procedure but adding an ultrasound. So, no eating (not that I was able to do anyway) after 8pm. AND that means NO Ensure! Yep, I am starting to like it. I can drink 3-4 bottles of Ensure...chocolate flavor, please! 😀 I still need to get up to 2,000 calories A day! And my last dose of pain medication until after the procedure.

  I will write more tomorrow. Hope your day was a good one with that great weather out there!!

  Life is truly still beautiful.

Lien 💜💛

April 13, 2021

(This is a favorite photo of having tea with dear friends at a lovely Thai restaurant)

 Two more days until the PET scan determines what stage the esophageal cancer is. And this will help us deicide which treatment plan is best for me. We won't know the results until Monday, April 19th - Dr. Marzbani's next available day to see us. 

 April 15th (Thursday on Tax Day), 2021 is the PET scan day.

 But, then it's also the one year anniversary of hosting the Little Free Pantry Judkins Park! It was at the beginning of the Coronavirus pandemic when people were losing their jobs, worried about paying the bills and putting food on their tables. I wanted to find some way to help. And then the idea of a Little Free Pantry came to mind! A friend in Shoreline, Washington started one up many years ago, long before the pandemic.

 There have been some bumps along this Little Free Pantry  but none that we couldn't fix. And we got through some lean and challenging times with food donations. Having great donors is the key to a successful mission 'Feeding one family, one person at a time'.

 I like to stay busy but have been told that I need to rest up before my schedule gets filled up with doctors' appointments in the next few months. So, I have been enjoying peace and serenity of my wildlife habitat garden in the back of our house. Watching the birds chasing each other around and listening to their loud chirping which starts my day off really well. My heart is filled. 🙏

Earlier this evening, I broke down in tears as I am starting to feel overwhelm with doctor appointments, scheduling other appointments that are centered around esophageal cancer and etc. This is REAL. There is NO turning back now. 

On March 29th, 2021, when I heard the word 'cancer' after the endoscopy procedure,  I thought that I had accepted that this was happening. What I ended up doing was hearing it...go in one ear and out the other. I built myself into believing this all to be true. What I didn't realize was that THIS IS true...this IS happening, Lien. No ifs, ands or buts.

What helped me to better understand this new chapter stemmed from a really great heart-to-heart talk with a staff member at my oncologist's office late this afternoon. Not sure how long this staff member has been with Dr. Marzbani's office or in this line of work. But, she knew how to talk to me and to truly listen to me as if I were a family member who needed some guidance on this scary and trying journey. She listened to me. REALLY listened. I will never forget this moment of clarity and someone with a compassionate heart.

I told her that my daughter, Amanda and her boyfriend, are coming out to help take care of me for a month or more. Then I added that I feel guilty and...she stopped me right there. "Don't think like that. Have you thought that perhaps she is your daughter and WANTS to help you get better? Lien, I don't know you but you seem the type of person always looking out for others before yourself. Well, THIS is that time you need to think of yourself for a change. Do you realize how much joy people get when they can give back? Let people be there for you as you have been there for others. Don't deprive others the same joy you get when you help others. Please."

Hearing her words made so much sense and brought a smile to my face. It is time to wipe my tears and let others in my life who truly want to be here for me. Life is short and beautiful. I want others to be in my life during this journey. It's okay to reach out and ask for help. Or say yes when someone offers to help you. Taking baby steps in accepting this new chapter in my life's journey.

Thank you to so many who have said they would like to help me in anyway possible. I don't know what help I need but will reach out when I do. 

You are all so beautiful...inside and out with such loving hearts. 💕

Lien 

 

April 10, 2021

   The beginning of each entry here, I will post one of my favorite photos that brings me joy. The photos will be past or current. Due to not being able to get out to photograph, many of the photos will be past ones shared. I tried going out on my own around the block in my neighborhood was so hard because the pain would come and go, unexpectedly. To ease the pain, I would have to put my right hand in a clutch and put it on my chest where it was hurting. There were a couple times on the walk that I thought I was going to pass out. I don't want to be found on the sidewalk to have fallen down trying to ease the pain with clutching onto my chest while out on my walk. I rarely take my ID with me out on these walks. I don't worry Damon. However, I could put the GPS on my phone so Damon knows where I am. That would be a good thing to do, I guess.

  This is a good time of the day (mid afternoon) to write in this blog as I am not too tired but it's close to taking my pain medication. My daily schedule has completely changed. No more doing my daily activities that included gardening. I can barely lift anything up due to the chest pains. It's sad, disappointing and frustrating not to keep up with my outdoor passion. I never got into gardening until the last few years of having lived in Shoreline before we moved here to Seattle.

  I have no idea how I picked up this new love in life. The transformation of the front and back yards in Shoreline was hard work but it was so rewarding. The same can be said here in our Seattle home. I was blessed to have a dear Shoreline friend who came all the way from Shoreline to lend me a hand on developing a plan to transform the backyard into a wildlife habitat garden.My friend was full of information and helped design a layout plan for what plants to have and where they would go. I think I went a little crazy on the plants. I ended up giving some away as I had way too many that would have crowded the space in between the plants. Poor Damon. But, I really nerd to thank Damon for giving me leeway and trust to pull together a nice backyard. I feel I have not disappointed him, my friend and even myself. I will say that this is still a learning lesson - a lifetime at that. 

  My neighbors across from us helped me design and put together my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park that I started back on April 15th, 2020. YES, that would be Tax Day! lol They were outside earlier this morning. I walked across to tell them about being diagnoses with esophageal cancer. Apparently, they already knew. My neighbor right next to me told them. It's all good. Less for me to use my voice. I am finding that I need to limit the amount of talking I do as it hurts my throat when I talk too much. DO you know how hard that is for me?!! To limit my talking. HMPH! 😉

  We got to talking about gardening. They have been impressed on the nice changes of our front yard. Nicole offered to help with any gardening. OH how my eyes lit up and my face had a HUGE smile (she couldn't see due to us all wearing a mask). I said I would love to take them up on that. Of course, I would not abuse that offer. But, I do have two plants I want to buy to put into two planters I have. AND she offered to plant some Dahlia bulbs she has in my front yard where it gets quite a bit of sun. I am super excited as I love Dahlias and photographing them! I got into Dahlias many years ago when I visited Volunteer Park on Capitol Hill here in Seattle (a 10-15 minute drive north of us). Now, I will have my own small garden of Dahlias. 

  It's the simple things that make me happy. It truly does not take to make me happy.

  I am going to have to make this entry short. Perhaps it will be better to start writing in my blog earlier so that I can write more. I will say that I am fortunate that our children, Amanda and Jack, are older. I can't imagine going through this, if our children were toddlers or teenagers! Yikes. I am so grateful for that. It is nice to have a nap whenever I want and not worry about working around schedules of young children. 

  I know that Amanda is not here to visit my house when she comes here for a month or more. But, this house needs to be cleaned! I own up that I am not a good housekeeper. In fact, I have a sibling who has OCD and would be so disgusted of the condition of our house. I would do the minimal. Oh. I hope that doesn't deter any future guests! 😉 I think I better get a housecleaner to do just the surface work or deep cleaning?

 The Little Free Pantry Judkins Park has been keeping me busy which has caused me to neglect my house work. Yep, I am blaming the Little Free Pantry Judkins Park! 😀

 Right. It's time to take my pain medication. I am being a good patient and listening to my doctor's orders to stay on top of my pain medication. So, I better sign off as you don't want to see the results of what the pain medicine and writing could produce. Not sure if it would be called 'entertainment'. 😉😉

 Thank you all to those who have checked in on me via private messages, e-mails, cards in the mail, voice messages and etc. You are all helping a difficult situation less painful with bringing joy. 

 THANK YOU. I love you all! 💗

Liennie 💜

 April 9th, 2021

The way I am approaching the esophageal cancer is the same way I did with getting sober. It is definitely one day at a time. It is another lifestyle that I will have to adjust to on a daily basis. Although I am to rest up as much as possible to get ready for chemo and radiation depending on the results of the PET scan, I find myself busy on the computer when I can keep my eyes and mind open. Constantly googling medical terms I don't understand or going online to find things to put into my bedroom haven. 

Damon is giving my bedroom (sanctuary) a makeover so that it's not a boring place to be as I will be hanging out there a lot more than I desire. And the other sanctuary is my wildlife habitat garden in the backyard of our house. When you have a vision to keep your mental and emotional state in harmony, you will be surprised how everything will fall into place. 

I had no idea what I was going to put into my wildlife habitat garden in our backyard.  But, I read up on these wonderful gardens and followed through on three things that the wildlife habitat sanctuary requires: native plants, water and food that all need to be strategically in place to make it not only beautiful but make it safe for the birds from predators.

With my bedroom, there are three things to make it into my safe haven: ambience with soft lighting, beautiful photos of nature (along with peaceful quotes) 7 family and things that bring tranquility to the heart, mind and soul. Everything else will simply follow to the beat of my drum! All negativity leaves this house. There is no place for negativity as I begin to heal and recover from this cancer.

When one is home alone quite often, it gives one to think of what one can do within reason to make this a home of peace, tranquility and full of love. It is my desire to make this a loving and peaceful home.

There are some earlier entries on this blog where I was truly still angry. Boy, what did it take to finally let it go?? My friend, Mary Jo and I love singing that 'Frozen' song "Let It Go" to much of our families' chagrin - LOL! I am so glad that I have moved forward in a positive direction. Where I was going with all that negative baggage nobody knows.

Today was my first visit with the nutritionist, Laura, at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance at Northwest Hospital. Truth be told, I didn't want to be there. Not because I DIDN'T WANT to but I was so tired from not having much sleep and I had taken my pain medication at 6:30am which just made me drowsy. I probably looked like I was hungover as I could bare keep my eyes open. The appointment was informative and the fun bantering made it easier to try to stay alert. 

Laura could not stress enough to get increase the calories and my weight to help with coping  with the chemo and radiation. She mentioned as did Dr. Marzbani that if I couldn't gain more weight, the feeding tube would be the last resort. I truly don't want that. SO, I will be drinking a lot of smoothies, more chocolate Ensure and other supplemental drinks to get that weight UP THERE. She gave us a list of smoothie recipes. I don't think I have ever made a smoothie. However, I have had smoothies though!

I told Laura that I have been able to eat Vietnamese spring rolls (finely chopped up) and cheese...oh AND of course Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies (not sure how that is possible)! Ice cream is not my favorite dessert but I have been able to eat some - 3-4 bites at a time. I was never a big eater before being diagnosed with esophageal cancer, to be honest. I am going to do whatever is asked of me to help myself through this tough time and come out of it much stronger.

I LOVE learning. New words, yep - medical terms are one of the things I love googling or ask the doctor/nurse/nutritionist. I do that when I am reading a book at night (and not falling asleep, yet). When I come across a word that I have never heard of, I google it right away. What has happened to the Webster Dictionary?

Another thing I want to do through this cancer challenge is to keep things SIMPLE. I am enjoying getting rid of a lot of clutter - oh except Damon gets to stay! 😉 The thing is I just want to a lot less clutter and more meaningful things around our house.

I am debating if I want a TV in my room or not. What a dilemma! lol However, I absolutely love watching CNN and other news stations. AND I love 'Law & Order: SUV'. However, I really don't like to watch much TV, to be honest. So, maybe going out to the living room to watch TV and have a break from my bedroom might be for the best.

My goal is to get back into photography. I have been missing it so much. I do get my fill of the beauty of our gorgeous Seattle and of nature through the Facebook group page that I belong to called ''KOMO NEWS Legion of Zoom'. Check it out, IF you are on Facebook and love Seattle AND nature! You have to ask to join. It will be so worth it. There are some pretty FANTASTIC and AMAZING Pacific Northwest photographers whose photos will blow you away!

Here is one of my favorite photos!

I was able to take walks around my neighborhood up until two weeks ago. When the pains in my chest and back were getting worse, I didn't want to be alone should anything happen that would require me to go to the ER. Damon is very busy with real estate...which is a GREAT thing! I take solace being in my wildlife habitat garden and looking around in my front yard. The sounds of those birds chirping away and chasing each other around bring me such joy. The birds are even checking out the water fountains I have out for them...finally.

I am falling asleep again. This seems to be the new norm for me. Sigh.

I will end with how excited we are to have Amanda and her boyfriend coming out next week to help Damon take care of me. I am a low maintenance kind of gal. At least, I would like to think that I am! We will be able to finally hug!!!! Damon and Amanda both have their 2 vaccine doses. Kevin (Amanda's boyfriend), Jack and his girlfriend and I have had our first shots. The second week Amanda will be here, we should all have had our second shots!

What a blessing and wonderful silver lining this is. I am just so thrilled to have family around. Please pray for me that I am not difficult and to refrain from being THAT patient! 😉

All right folks, please go make it a wonderful weekend! And thank you for being beautiful friends and family...inside and out. 

Love you all to the moon and back!

Liennie 💜

April 7th, 2021

Today was my first appointment with the oncologist, Dr. Marzbani. He asked that Damon and I call him 'Eddy'. It was an informative, communicative and relaxing appointment. We went over quite a bit. Before I continue, it was weird to be in the same place where I once worked back in 2008...called Puget Sound Cancer Centers at Northwest Hospital. I never thought I would someday be a patient there. NEVER.

I am not sure what it is, but I truly have a sense of calm that I have cancer...esophageal cancer, that is. It has been shared with me that I should write and tell how I really feel - anger, frustration and etc. To be honest, I don't want to make the time to share them because I am not that kind of person anymore. Anger and drama just doesn't have a place in my heart and mind. I want and need to be strong for myself AND for my family & friends. You all mean too much to me.  

This is MY journey and challenge. So, please, let me share what I want and not share what you want to hear.  

In the meanwhile, I will get straight to the news of the esophageal cancer in my system. It is unclear if the cancer is at Stage 2/3 or if it has gone to Stage 4 because there is nothing stopping it right now. A PET scan has been ordered as a priority to determine where the cancer is. 

A PET (positron emission tomography) is an imaging test that allows your doctor to check for diseases in your body. It uses a special dye that contains radioactive tracers. These tracers are either swallowed, inhaled or injected into a vein in your arm depending on what part of the body is being examined. (Source: http://www.healthline.com/health/pet-scan)

If the PET scan results come back with the esophageal cancer at Stage 2/3, chemotherapy and radiation will begin IMMEDIATELY. They will be on the same day but different times with chemo first and then radiation - Monday through Friday for 7 weeks. I will have my head shaved completely before chemo starts so that my hair can be donated to a cancer charity that needs wigs. If the PET scan comes back with Stage 4, there is really not much can be done according to Dr. Marzbani. Crossing fingers the cancer is at Stage 2/3.

The walls of the esophagus are thick that the whole that allows me to swallow is so small that it prevents me from being able to eat and causing such a large weight loss of 20 lbs in the last 3 months now. Fortunately, my weight is so far staying at 106 lbs for the last 5 days. IF I lose anymore, I will have to go on a feeding tube. We want to avoid this. Dr. Marzbani wants me to get 2,000 calories a day. Crossing my fingers that I can SOON get that 2,000 calories in my system.

Amanda sent me a bunch of goodies to help me with adding calories to my daily intake, especially ingredients to make smoothies.

I will edit with more accurate information, if this is not all correct. There was so much to absorb. So thankful Dr. Marzbani was patient with us in explaining things to us and repeating A LOT. Damon and I are hard of hearing. 

It helps to have a sense of humor which is my self defense mechanism in dealing with stress. Dr. Marzbani is a down to earth doctor. He actually took the time to answer any questions we had, including Amanda who was able to join us via FaceTime.

The bottom line today was that this visit with Dr. Marzbani was hopeful and positive. 

This challenge is definitely a ONE day at time deal. And I am so glad you are on this journey with me.

I got a new robe, Pjs and slippers to get ready for my recuperating after each chemo/radiation session! AND I have a cool wedge pillow. I just received a beautiful prayer quilt from a friend who sent it from some women in her church group. Thank you all for helping me to rise above this challenge with your prayers, private messages, cards and gifts (you really shouldn't!) and cheering me up in your own special ways.

I can't help think about the sadness and concern you are all feeling. I wish I could magically take those feelings away from each of you. I love you all so much. Let's think positive and move forward. 

I so appreciate and love you all! 💜

I will close with the good news that I received my first dose of the vaccination!

Liennie 💜

April 5th, 2021 (Monday) 

I have decided to write in my blog in the afternoons when I am more alert and can write without falling asleep.

I. am. scared. 

It's weird that I am more scared for my family than what is in store for me in the coming months. My personality is being strong and positive. It's not that I am ignoring the feelings of fear, uncertainty and a future that will limit me from doing normal and daily things. For instance, I find doing dishes and folding laundry daunting. They have been my two favorite things to do at home. I had looked forward to painting throughout our house this Spring. Life happens. Right?

The wildlife habitat garden in my backyard is nearly complete. Looking forward to going to Sky Nursery in Shoreline to fill two large planters with new plants - particularly for the bees, butterflies, Hummingbirds and all other birds! Due to the salmonella of the Pine Siskin, Seattle Audubon Society asked us bird lovers to put away our bird feeders, bird fountains and bird baths (wash with soap/water and then bleach them for sanitations purpose) from January to April. I was counting the minutes to get out my bird baths, bird fountains and bird feeders on April 1st! It was like the feeling of Christmas - such happy joy joy! Can't wait to share photos of my sanctuary when I get finished. I already love it so far! Just love sitting back there listening to the birds chirp away, the birds chasing each other around, watching the one American Robin mama getting her nest all ready for the eggs, listening the sounds of the water fountains and of course the airplanes flying into Seattle. 

My neighbor showed me where an American Robin nest was located. It can only be seen from a certain view. Not easy to really see as I am short. The mama has it way up above a pipe underneath the roof in between our properties. I saw the her staring at me. I won't be going over there to keep an eye on it as she is  definitely protecting her nest. I learned my lesson when I discovered a American Robin nest in my neighbor's laurel bush in Shoreline. A crow watched me and got to the American Robin eggs. Gawd, I felt so bad when I looked the next day to see that they were gone. Sad sigh.

Last night was a rough night of pain galore. The sharp pains are in my esophagus and my back (right shoulder blade and lower back). With the esophagus area, the pains are similar to having heartburns but three times worse, in my opinion. If this is the start of the journey, I am in for a very difficult time ahead. I saw that with a friend of mine I helped to care for during her time with breast cancer. I stayed with her family for 2-3 weeks at a time to help with dishes, laundry, meals, getting the girls off to school and etc...and of course being there for my friend. She always wanted to do things and we had to get on her case to stop that nonsense as she was instructed by her doctor to REST. Uhhh...now I know how she felt about feeling good - having spurts of energy - and wanting to get things done around the house. NOW I have to be the one to rest. This resting is for the birds! 😉

I detest complaining as many of you know. I will continue to try not to do that even during the difficult times. Growing up in a family of ten siblings, you almost have to be stoic!

One thing I will miss doing is my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park. I posted on my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park Facebook page that I will not be able to do stock the pantry daily for awhile. Little Free Pantry Judkins Park has been my baby. The pantry is about to celebrate its one year anniversary on April 15th! I remember like it was yesterday when I started it. There have been some challenges but overall, it has been a wonderful journey.It sure is different from when I had the Secret Shoreline Facebook page. I did the page daily with the holiday baskets I did for families in need. That was the only time it was physically a lot of work receiving the gift donations and putting the baskets together at Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, the pantry requires stocking twice a day - 8am to 9am and 4pm to 5pm (depending what I was doing during the day) seven days a week. NO break. No complaints. It has been a humbling experience and honor to do provide this pantry for the community.

Right...back to my journey.

The Ensure beverage and I have become very good friends. lol At first, I wasn't too keen on it. But, it is growing on me - taste wise. I am up to TWO bottles of Ensure a day as of yesterday! 😀 I have been researching some food suggestions for those with esophageal cancer. Cheese, other dairy products and smoothies were among the few highly recommended. So, I am able to eat very thin slices of my favorite cheese, Tillamook Smoked Alderwood Medium Cheddar cheese. I am finding that it takes ages to eat anything and definitely in even smaller portions than what I was eating before this. It has been recommended to eat what you want as long as you are getting the calories (1500-1800 a day). I am up to maybe 500 calories. Amanda sent me some smoothies today to get those calories increased! I better start getting that number up by Wednesday when I meet the oncologist and nutritionist for the first time. I am looking forward to find out what's going on and where we are headed. The unknown is unsettling. Crossing fingers that it is not all bad news.

I really do worry about my family, my siblings and friends on how the esophageal cancer in my system is affecting you all. I wish I could take away your worries, concerns and heartbreaks. When I see my husband, Damon, crying...it just breaks my heart. I need to stay strong for my sanity. And I want to stay strong for you all, too. You all mean so much to me...more than words can express here. But, sometimes I find tears falling down on my cheeks.

The Titus Warriors (my husband, Amanda and Jack) have my back! I know they will keep me in line as well! Oh how I love them so much!! 💜💜💜💜 And how much I love YOU ALL! 💜💜💜💜

Everyone's love and commitment to making this journey comforting for me will help me get through the dark times. Yes, I know there will be and I hope I will not be a b*tch whenever it happens.

Something to look forward to is having my room painted and made into a quiet and tranquil sanctuary as I am going to need a place to retreat to after whatever treatment plan I will be scheduled to receive. Not sure on the paint color - either a sage green or perhaps a periwinkle color. Or who knows? Nature photos will be hung on one wall. On the other wall, it will be filled with photos of my favorite Seattle of mine and some of my fellow photographers from the KOMO News Legion of Zoom Facebook group where I am a member. There are a lot of awesome Pacific Northwest photographers on that page. IF you are a photographer, amateur or professional, or just want to see the beautiful photos in and around Seattle, please consider joining! You won't be disappointed!

I have signed up with an esophageal cancer Facebook support group. It's been somewhat helpful. But, to be honest, it is hard to read all the ups and downs through their journeys as I begin mine. So, for now, I am not a participant but a bystander absorbing information and the tears and upsets on there. And it is great to see some positive words of support for one another, especially for those who have survived longer than the 5 years that is given for this cancer. They even gave me wonderful and kind words of support when I thanked the group for adding me.

There is so much to absorb here on my new journey. I am simply going to take my life's journey as always...one day at a time.

Okay, I am signing off to rest some more.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Love to you all. 💜

Liennie

April 4th, 2021 (Sunday - Easter)

Happy Easter to those who celebrate!

The pain has increased both in my chest and upper right shoulder blade/lower back.So, I am not able to write much. 

I spoke with the nurse a few days ago at the clinic I go to for my medical visits. I told her that I was in a lot of pain. She said she would tell my doctor of my current status and to prescribe pain medicine. There was already a scheduled late afternoon phone visit with my doctor for Friday, April 2nd. So, we could discuss it then.

I absolutely love my doctor and the clinic which I have been going to nearly 20 years! We both look forward to our chats. However, this one was a little awkward for my doctor. She has really enjoyed our visits over the past year and a half. There have been three doctors I have been assigned as one would leave and another would take over. Luckily, I have gotten along well with them all.

The first thing that my doctor said was "I am so sorry". It saddens me to hear those words because she and everyone I talk with about my situation with the esophageal cancer that is what I hear at the beginning of any conversation. I truly am at peace. And I am ready to fight this! The doctor knew back in May/June 2020 that my chest pains were starting be more noticeable and felt than in the past. This time it felt different. They were no longer once in awhile. Rather, they were starting to be more frequent. We monitored it along with having had some chest x-rays. Nothing was detected.

A little over a month ago, I could barely eat anything. My weight started to decline. It went down from 126lbs to 106lbs. Therefore, I went to the ER as the chest pains were really becoming unbearable. All the tests they did came back normal. It was decided that I should get scheduled to see an endoscopy specialist who strongly suggested an endoscopy procedure. It was then that the two biopsies would be performed during the procedure.

I am falling asleep as I write this entry. Therefore, I will say goodnight for now. I hope to write more tomorrow. So much to share with you all.

I have my first appointment with the oncologist at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance on Wednesday, April 7th, 2021. Thank you for your patience with my entries and writing as I am trying to write as much as possible to keep you all updated on my journey. 

The hydrocodone pill is starting to take affect right now.

Good night.

- Lien