April 20th, 2021

(This is another favorite flower, Cherry blossoms, that makes me smile and bring me such joy!)

  It is hard to believe that it is almost a month since my diagnosis with esophageal cancer was shared with my husband and me on March 29th, 2021 after the endoscopy procedure to do two biopsies on that date. I have had procedures and scans one after another. But that word 'cancer' still had not registered into my reality until today.

  I realized that my world has changed dramatically and drastically. Appointments and information are constantly added, changed or updated with some of my knowledge and some without. It could be that my daughter, Amanda, has been staying on top of all my online My Chart medical accounts that are all connected with one another. Or perhaps, the appointments were made and I don't remember as I am on pain medication every 4 hours. And with the increasing of the pain, the medication dosage has been amped a little more. Damon made me realize that I cannot drive my car for a good while I am under the influence of narcotics/pain medication. 

  Through this journey, I love that I am learning so much when it comes to my personal life and the constant changes, whether I like them or not, that are truly making me appreciate life all the more. You hear all the time "don't ever take life or family & friends for granted". This is all so true!

  Spending time with my family more and more over the last week or so, I look at my children and husband and am in awe how much we have grown closer. We spend more quality time with each other. I remember all the Tisdale family gatherings were becoming (at least for me they were) mundane and did not enjoy them as many would end up in huge fights. That is what many families go through during the holiday gatherings or other special get togethers.

  My doctor (the one before the one I have currently) told me about this anti-depressant medication that she highly recommended. I said to myself, "What the heck? Why not give it a try, Liennie?". It took two weeks to kick in and I was a totally different person. My outlook on life was more positive and respect for others in a humane & compassionate way was becoming more and more of my new personality. I have always wanted to help others but there is more genuine. Not that I wasn't genuine before, but I could FEEL things for a change. 

  My relationships with Damon, Amanda and Jack have been improving over the years. And I have been loving every step of the way. Oh how I love my family!

  And then I thought about my siblings I had a falling out with for years. I did not like the feeling of estrangement and anger still lingering. It was then that I decided that I wanted to make amends with them. This happened well before being diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It is better late than never. And this couldn't have happened at a better time than this past year. I was tired of the anger and blaming which caused me to drink and then falling out with family members (and friends). It is so uplifting to let it go...let go of the anger, resentment and pettiness (on my part).

  When I finally let go of all the negativity, I directed that negative towards my love for photography and starting up a Little Free Pantry in my neighborhood that helps community members with the need of food of those who were/still are struggling. I wasn't looking for accolades. I truly wanted to find a way to pay it forward which I have shared many times before. I apologize for the repetition here. I am feeling so proud to be a part of a community effort to uplift others' spirits.

  Although I have had challenges in my life, I have also had a wonderful life that many can't have/haven't been able to have. This is why I say I will not take life for granted.

  I said at the beginning that I am just starting to see that life needs to be respected, people you encounter need to be respected and your loved ones need the respect they deserve. I say this all now because as I make closer steps to getting the chemo and radiation sessions set up, I know that I have the fight of my life and I cannot do without you all in my life...near and far away.

  Today, Amanda and I met my radiologist for the first time to get to know one another and to get ready for this Friday's Simulation Appointment. This appointment will be to set up the markings of where they are going to do the radiation near the esophagus.

  Will share more information on Friday. No appointments until then! TWO whole days off from any other appointments. Time to truly rest up and get some energy for the chemo and radiation. I am still planning to shave my head off completely. 

   Life is too short. Enjoy your time with your loved ones as much as possible. And tell them while hugging how much they mean to you! You are so loved and are deserving of love. 

  Again, thank you all for being a part of my life and going with me on this challenging chapter in my life's journey. Each one of you mean the world to me!

  Have a beautiful day! 🙏