April 5th, 2021 (Monday) 

I have decided to write in my blog in the afternoons when I am more alert and can write without falling asleep.

I. am. scared. 

It's weird that I am more scared for my family than what is in store for me in the coming months. My personality is being strong and positive. It's not that I am ignoring the feelings of fear, uncertainty and a future that will limit me from doing normal and daily things. For instance, I find doing dishes and folding laundry daunting. They have been my two favorite things to do at home. I had looked forward to painting throughout our house this Spring. Life happens. Right?

The wildlife habitat garden in my backyard is nearly complete. Looking forward to going to Sky Nursery in Shoreline to fill two large planters with new plants - particularly for the bees, butterflies, Hummingbirds and all other birds! Due to the salmonella of the Pine Siskin, Seattle Audubon Society asked us bird lovers to put away our bird feeders, bird fountains and bird baths (wash with soap/water and then bleach them for sanitations purpose) from January to April. I was counting the minutes to get out my bird baths, bird fountains and bird feeders on April 1st! It was like the feeling of Christmas - such happy joy joy! Can't wait to share photos of my sanctuary when I get finished. I already love it so far! Just love sitting back there listening to the birds chirp away, the birds chasing each other around, watching the one American Robin mama getting her nest all ready for the eggs, listening the sounds of the water fountains and of course the airplanes flying into Seattle. 

My neighbor showed me where an American Robin nest was located. It can only be seen from a certain view. Not easy to really see as I am short. The mama has it way up above a pipe underneath the roof in between our properties. I saw the her staring at me. I won't be going over there to keep an eye on it as she is  definitely protecting her nest. I learned my lesson when I discovered a American Robin nest in my neighbor's laurel bush in Shoreline. A crow watched me and got to the American Robin eggs. Gawd, I felt so bad when I looked the next day to see that they were gone. Sad sigh.

Last night was a rough night of pain galore. The sharp pains are in my esophagus and my back (right shoulder blade and lower back). With the esophagus area, the pains are similar to having heartburns but three times worse, in my opinion. If this is the start of the journey, I am in for a very difficult time ahead. I saw that with a friend of mine I helped to care for during her time with breast cancer. I stayed with her family for 2-3 weeks at a time to help with dishes, laundry, meals, getting the girls off to school and etc...and of course being there for my friend. She always wanted to do things and we had to get on her case to stop that nonsense as she was instructed by her doctor to REST. Uhhh...now I know how she felt about feeling good - having spurts of energy - and wanting to get things done around the house. NOW I have to be the one to rest. This resting is for the birds! 😉

I detest complaining as many of you know. I will continue to try not to do that even during the difficult times. Growing up in a family of ten siblings, you almost have to be stoic!

One thing I will miss doing is my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park. I posted on my Little Free Pantry Judkins Park Facebook page that I will not be able to do stock the pantry daily for awhile. Little Free Pantry Judkins Park has been my baby. The pantry is about to celebrate its one year anniversary on April 15th! I remember like it was yesterday when I started it. There have been some challenges but overall, it has been a wonderful journey.It sure is different from when I had the Secret Shoreline Facebook page. I did the page daily with the holiday baskets I did for families in need. That was the only time it was physically a lot of work receiving the gift donations and putting the baskets together at Thanksgiving and Christmas. However, the pantry requires stocking twice a day - 8am to 9am and 4pm to 5pm (depending what I was doing during the day) seven days a week. NO break. No complaints. It has been a humbling experience and honor to do provide this pantry for the community.

Right...back to my journey.

The Ensure beverage and I have become very good friends. lol At first, I wasn't too keen on it. But, it is growing on me - taste wise. I am up to TWO bottles of Ensure a day as of yesterday! 😀 I have been researching some food suggestions for those with esophageal cancer. Cheese, other dairy products and smoothies were among the few highly recommended. So, I am able to eat very thin slices of my favorite cheese, Tillamook Smoked Alderwood Medium Cheddar cheese. I am finding that it takes ages to eat anything and definitely in even smaller portions than what I was eating before this. It has been recommended to eat what you want as long as you are getting the calories (1500-1800 a day). I am up to maybe 500 calories. Amanda sent me some smoothies today to get those calories increased! I better start getting that number up by Wednesday when I meet the oncologist and nutritionist for the first time. I am looking forward to find out what's going on and where we are headed. The unknown is unsettling. Crossing fingers that it is not all bad news.

I really do worry about my family, my siblings and friends on how the esophageal cancer in my system is affecting you all. I wish I could take away your worries, concerns and heartbreaks. When I see my husband, Damon, crying...it just breaks my heart. I need to stay strong for my sanity. And I want to stay strong for you all, too. You all mean so much to me...more than words can express here. But, sometimes I find tears falling down on my cheeks.

The Titus Warriors (my husband, Amanda and Jack) have my back! I know they will keep me in line as well! Oh how I love them so much!! 💜💜💜💜 And how much I love YOU ALL! 💜💜💜💜

Everyone's love and commitment to making this journey comforting for me will help me get through the dark times. Yes, I know there will be and I hope I will not be a b*tch whenever it happens.

Something to look forward to is having my room painted and made into a quiet and tranquil sanctuary as I am going to need a place to retreat to after whatever treatment plan I will be scheduled to receive. Not sure on the paint color - either a sage green or perhaps a periwinkle color. Or who knows? Nature photos will be hung on one wall. On the other wall, it will be filled with photos of my favorite Seattle of mine and some of my fellow photographers from the KOMO News Legion of Zoom Facebook group where I am a member. There are a lot of awesome Pacific Northwest photographers on that page. IF you are a photographer, amateur or professional, or just want to see the beautiful photos in and around Seattle, please consider joining! You won't be disappointed!

I have signed up with an esophageal cancer Facebook support group. It's been somewhat helpful. But, to be honest, it is hard to read all the ups and downs through their journeys as I begin mine. So, for now, I am not a participant but a bystander absorbing information and the tears and upsets on there. And it is great to see some positive words of support for one another, especially for those who have survived longer than the 5 years that is given for this cancer. They even gave me wonderful and kind words of support when I thanked the group for adding me.

There is so much to absorb here on my new journey. I am simply going to take my life's journey as always...one day at a time.

Okay, I am signing off to rest some more.

Thank you for joining me on this journey.

Love to you all. 💜

Liennie